I wrote my first "Coming Out" letter in March of 2018. It wasn't until August of 2018 did I choose the name Ian. Biologically, my name is Erin. I changed the "E" to an "A" to break away from the name Erin without completely leaving my past identity behind. When I was Erin, my pronouns were she/her/hers, but when I was Arin they were they/them/theirs. However, after months of identifying under the name Arin, I realized I was no longer the person identifying with the name "Arin" as it still reminded me of associations under the name Erin.

Unlike other individuals, I loved my biological name and I still do. I have a hard time correcting individuals when I am called my biological name because I still have an attachment to it and if asked what it was, I will state it. I don't know how I will break completely away from my biological name, but I do hope patience along with testosterone will help. I broke away from the name due to the femininized look, feel, and acts I had while identifying with the pronouns she/her/hers. Although I changed one letter in my name when first "coming out", I felt like Erin no matter how it was spelled and that was someone I no longer had a connection with.

Thus, I chose the name Ian. Ian to me sounds similar to Erin or Arin, but it is not "her" or "them." To me, Ian is a more "masculine" name and it flows with my middle name, Mackenzie. I wish to keep my middle name as it does mean a lot to me that my parents chose my name together. My pronouns remain as they/them/theirs but also, he/him/his. I am Ian Mackenzie and this my "coming out" letter.

I Am An Individual; A Letter For Others

Ian Hodges

I am not an individual that fits into the societal norm, for I am an individual that wishes to break it.

I am tired of being misgendered for autocorrect does not even know the word "mis" and "gender" put together in a sentence as though I am some foreign body living on Earth,

At least, in society that is how I am seen because when asked what I am opposed to who I am, individuals are wanting to know what is inside my pants instead of what is inside my heart and for that, I am dead.

For I am an individual that has no gender, but for the one that was put on me at birth,

I am an individual that does not see a person as their gender, but for who they identify.

But, I am restricted in society to use the anatomical male or female restroom and neither is safe.

I am conflicted with choices that society has made, for society is strictly two genders.

Because I am a labeled female based on my anatomy, but labels to me have always been dead.

I am no less than the person sitting beside me, but to someone who wants to know what I am, I may as well be slapped with an offensive phrase filled with hate.

Because I am nothing more to them than an individual that does not fit into their societal expectations.

And by God, I refuse to be labeled because I am not the only individual that struggles with society, for we are all struggling for a little piece of safety.

But, for some of us, we fall short and it is not anything that we have done, but it is what society has done to tear us apart emotionally, physically, and mentally.

And for that, some of us are dead before we ever "come out" in society.

I am no more and no less than any other individual, but I am faced with a world that does not see me for me as I am constantly being labeled as she/her/hers.

It kills me on the inside to be labeled, but I am faced with a challenge for the rest of my life because I do not categorize myself as anyone other than Arin.

I am masculine, I am feminine, I am anything I want to be, but at the end of the day,

I am me and the me that was living as Erin is not dead but coming alive as Ian and they have never been happier.

If asked who I was, I would say I am Ian.

However, if asked how I identify, I would say I am a nonbinary transgender queer individual.

I prefer to be called Ian because that is the only label I wish to be called, but I am proud to be asked my pronouns which are they/them/theirs and he/him/his.

For being asked how I identify is the most satisfactory question society has ever hit me with, but rarely am I asked because I am assumed and labeled as a female with my physical physique.

I am embarrassed when I wear a bra because it makes me feel feminine, but hanging loose is not an option, but one day, top surgery is.

I am embarrassed when I am stopped to ask if I am in the correct locker room,

For don't you think I know my own gender better than you?

But, I am forced to choose one or the other knowing that I will be embarrassed either way.

I am embarrassed to open my mouth and sound feminine because I am fighting to look masculine with a body and voice that states otherwise.

But, none the less, this is me right now and these are my challenges.

I may not be the daughter that you envisioned, but I am still your child.

For that, I cannot pretend to be this individual that you have known as your daughter because I am not.

I struggle to hold my head high when I am faced with a society that automatically labels me.

And I am anything but a label.

Labels are dead, but I am not.

Get to know me for me because

I am nonbinary.

I am transgender.

And I am queer.

However, at the end of the day,

I am Ian.