When people look at me some way or say something in a certain tone, I shut down. I always try to act like I don't care what other people think about me, but deep down inside I know I do. It could be anything as simple as going up alone at lunch to get a drink or preforming in front of a crowd. This affects me in every day life doing simple tasks. If I'm checking out with my mom and it seems we have a bit too much candy, I get nervous the cashier thinks I'm a pig or gross. This is silly, but it's how I think; however, I've started to try not to care. Granted, I started yesterday, but I am doing my best.
My friend, Natalie, told me she got over these thoughts by digging deeper into the reason why we care. Natalie told me she thought: "Why does it matter? I still have my friends and family who love me. It legit doesn't matter." I've tried to take this mindset within the 24 hours. So far, I've done my homework and gone to school for no more than an hour. The tricky thing about not caring is being aware that I am caring. I've cared for so long where I don't notice if I've shut down or become quiet. Sure, there will be days I forget, but changing your mindset that you've lived with for years takes time.
As I go through my journey, my friends will be right there. They've already accepted me for who I am and if someone doesn't, why should I care? I have my friends and family right by my side. I don't need to change for anyone, but I do it anyway. Now, I need to change so I can be myself. Sure, there will be days where I am feeling down or not well, but there will be other where I'm feeling better than ever. I need to go through all of these days to come out on top.
It might be hard, but sometimes change is good. Change for the better is change that needs to happen, and one day it will- for all of us
