I think that there is a time in everyone's life where it seems that loss becomes a more consistent theme in life then one would like. Not because people are dying but because you lose sight of your relationships, priorities, and even yourself. You get stuck in a daily routine that just doesn't excite you like it used to, and you find it so hard to escape and face an inevitable change.

My sophomore year in high school were some grim and gloomy days. My whole second semester consisted of me going to the library to "eat lunch." All my friends thought it was because I wanted to manage my time better. I really just went to the library so that I would be able to distract myself from actually taking time to eat. I remember exactly how I felt when I sat down one day and realized that I didn't have a stomach roll. The feeling was one of pride and one of hopelessness because no matter what, I still wasn't happy in my body and didn't know if I ever would be. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months of me throwing myself into my school work as a distraction. Everything had gone too far and I lost control of my life. I kept finding myself making excuses for me and eventually I got tired of trying to think of new ones. That's when I realized that I genuinely was not OK. I'd crawl into bed at night, only to look up at my ceiling and dreading the idea of having to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. My relationships weren't the way they used to be. I became really good at pushing people away, and I was detached from the life I once cherished so sweetly. I was too tired of faking a smile anymore. It just wasn't worth it to me anymore. I was too exhausted to do anything about it though.

Like I said earlier, I threw myself into my school work and volleyball. I tried really hard to make a change in my life. I didn't understand why the more I tried, the more I seemed to fail at it. I realized that you can't just go looking for happiness or force it. It comes when you are least expecting it. I balanced this equation for my chemistry class and it all clicked for me. Absolutely everything. It was terrifying. I realized that my life was an unbalanced equation waiting for something to equal everything out. Super clichéd, I know. It took me a little longer than I had hoped to figure out what it would be that would keep me afloat, but I finally found it, and I found myself. Happiness became a lifestyle rather than a far fetched idea. I was ready to let the old me go, and welcome home someone that was waiting to be shown and heard. It was a long journey. All I could do was let the fire within my soul burn radiantly so that it could light the way in front of me. I think that everyone should take the time to recognize who they really want to be at some point in their lifetime, even if it wasn't what they wanted. Discovering who you are helps you truly love the imperfections about yourself. You can't love someone deeply until you accept the love you deserve for yourself.

Life is too short to become someone who you don't have any desire worth knowing. It's not worth trying or experimenting with. I still am not quite sure how I let things get out of control, but I promise you that it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be dark and gloomy. Take your negative energy out on a hobby and not yourself. I was lucky enough to grow from my experience and discover my true passions, but not everyone is that lucky and that is what is so heartbreaking about our society.

If theres one thing that you walk away from this with, it's that you are more than enough. I am more than enough. We all are more than enough, so don't let some try to convince you otherwise..

"you should not be wreckless with yourself because your heart is heavy and fragile. and all things heavy tend to fall, and all things fragile tend to break. so watch your step, the world is still dark and you must walk across it to find the light." R.M. Drake

xoxo

cgl