It happens every year; another beloved cartoon character, profession, or historical figure falls victim to excessively short skirts, fish net stockings, and body glitter. We've seen the costume industry sexualize cops, nurses, bunnies, Native Americans, and even nuns, ears of corn, and infamous terrorist, Osama Bin Laden. (Google "Sexy Osama Bin Laden costume," it's real.) But, where does it end? How far will people go for a bite-sized Snickers bar? This Halloween, I am challenging you to make the following ten people, characters, and objects into sexy costumes for your peers and co-workers to ogle.
1. Steve Buscemi
"Slutty Steve Buscemi" sounds a lot like a fictional creature that resides deep within the sewers of B-List Hollywood. My adoration for the actor runs deep, but it's hard to imagine him having any sort of private parts to put on display. Steve Buscemi, if you're reading this, please slip on the thigh-high boots and corset this Halloween to prove me wrong.
2. A Foot (or Feet, if you're in a relationship)
Feet fall right behind the pancreas on the list of body parts I find titillating. They are hairy. They are smelly. They are fugly. For some, feet do the trick, but I find it rather difficult to picture an arousing foot costume (I want no part of whatever foot fetish rendezvous is going to go down after this).
3. An Office Cubicle
It's going to be difficult to sexualize the place where you house a 90s-era desktop computer, relentless stockpiles of (maybe) important documents, and photos of your children. It'll be even tougher to flaunt your nether regions when they are imprisoned within four thin walls. Aren't office cubicles where pretzels go to be eaten and dreams go to die? Isn't there a ring in Hell dedicated to them?
4. Gabe Lewis from "The Office"
Something about Gabe Lewis from "The Office" is terrifyingly repulsive in a manner unsuitable for Halloween. He has the face, the body, and the aesthetic that only a truly dedicated mother could love. Good luck with this one.
5. Your Middle School Lunch Lady
6. A Fetus
You can't just be naked, wear a bald cap, suck your thumb and consider that a "Sleazy Fetus" costume. You better have an umbilical cord, it better be attached to your mother, and it better be your only source of nourishment for nine whole months. It should also go without question that you be encapsulated in an amniotic sac and that just sounds messy!!!
7. "Guy at the Party Who Plays 'Wonderwall'"
1. On behalf of everyone, everywhere: please stop doing this. 2. "The Guy Who Plays 'Wonderwall' At Parties" is 9.8 times out of 10 the opposite of "provocative." I can recall pudding cups more suave and enticing than the crackling vocals of some Liam Gallagher wannabe. Plus, the guy is usually wearing that Abbey Road Beatles' tee and hardly ever fish net stockings.
8. A Hemorrhoid
Go on, you tell me how hot and bothered the sound of "swollen rectum veins" gets you. How would this be packaged at a Halloween Spirit store? Would it hang on the wall right next to Sexy Nurse?
9. Flubber
Though Flubber from the classic 90s children's film is perhaps the cutest "mischievous rubber-like substance" I've ever seen, I doubt it can be replicated in a way that screams "SEX!!!!" Perhaps make a life-sized Jell-O mold of someone Flubber-shaped? It feels too good to be true.
10. Zoboomafoo
To taint the reputation of such a well-respected lemur would be offensive, however it would take some serious dedication to pull off such a realistic costume. We're talking YEARS of preparation and possibly the use of hair-growth stimulating supplements. The only way to make Zoboomafoo into a successful, seductive Halloween costume is to grow out your body hair like the picture above. Even then, it probably still won't be a sexy look.
I wish you the best of luck in sexualizing the aforementioned items this Halloween season. May you be the scantily clad hemorrhoid among all your Wonder Woman and Playboy Bunny friends.
