For as long as I can remember, I've always adored musicals. My earliest memories include staying up late to watch VHS tapes of classic 20th-century musicals. The childish delight of seeing how much fun the actors were having made me want to be on the other side of the screen. Once I started elementary school, I don't remember whether or not I was excited about the drama classes we were required to take as part of our arts education, but I clearly remember feeling a tinge of jealousy whenever one of my classmates did a theater program or production outside of school. By 7th grade, I had forgotten about how much I loved theater, and almost resented the art. Theater kids seemed so garrulous and fanatical, and I was beginning to admit to my introverted nature. My freshman year of high school, I auditioned for both of the annual productions, both of them being straight plays. My self-esteem could only take going to so many final callbacks and not being cast, so I stopped. I was a techie for straight plays and only auditioned for musicals because, in my mind, it was the only safe choice if I ever wanted to be on stage. I was a singer, had decent intonation and understood music well, and I can't act to save my life (why else would my biggest role to date be 'ensemble')?

I was graced with my first named role Spring of my senior year of high school, where I played 'The Witch' in Whitney Young's (amazing) production of 'Big Fish'. This role had minimal lines, very clear characterization, and was featured in one scene with a killer song. Perfect for someone with a decent belt and minimal acting talent (me). That was my last brush with scripts and line reading until 2016 when I decided (through the verbal coercion of peers and my own academic advisor) to audition for a department show at St. Olaf College. It was a musical, Sister Act, and I had my sights set on that comfortable ensemble role I made a home for myself in other productions. Imagine the panic and excitement I felt when I was notified that I would be playing Deloris Van Cartier. Being unfamiliar with the story, I picked up the script to see how much material 'ya girl' had to memorize. The answer? A lot. This is the biggest role I have ever and maybe will ever play.

I was intimidated and felt like I did not deserve this role for a variety of reasons, my talent, or lack thereof, being one of them. Luckily, the rehearsal process was condensed into four weeks as an interim class, so I had nothing other than this show to focus my time and energy on. I pored over the book, running lines and memorizing songs as fast and securely as I could, channeling my intimidation and anxiety into productivity, as I do. I've found so much joy in this process, from the character study to interpreting different scenes and tactics for nearly two hours of book and music. The biggest joy was a slow realization that perhaps I can act. Acting is no longer intimidating to me, and although music education and the solitude of a practice room still holds my heart, I hope to experience something even close to resembling this feeling in the future.