I am a nervous driver. I have always had an irrational fear of losing control of my car or causing an accident. I almost never want to drive. I hate driving with other people in my car because most often than not, people are critical of my nervous driving, making me even more nervous. When I drive, I prefer to be alone with music playing somewhat softly on the radio. I focus better. Last week, I was in a car accident. It wasn’t the first time I’d been in a car accident, but it was the first time that I had been the driver in a car accident. It is probably one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had. You could say my worse fear became my reality.
I had somehow convinced my boyfriend to accompany me on a three hour drive to Rhode Island. I’d never driven that far and since I go to college three hours away and would be driving my car to school this year, I thought it would be smart to give the trip a trial run. After some initial nerves I actually started to enjoy the trip. We were on an adventure!
About an hour and a half into the trip, our “adventure” turned into one of the longest day of my life. Around 10 in the morning I was cruising on ’95, staying cautious to keeping a reasonable distance in front of me and driving the speed limit. Suddenly, a black sedan with New York plates and with no knowledge of space, speed limit, or what a blinker is cut into my lane. To avoid hitting him, I slammed on my brake and swerved. Well…I drive, or…drove a Honda Fit, which is essentially a lunchbox on wheels. That car is not meant to swerve at that speed. I lost control of the car and we hit the highway barrier and skidded back into the lane. It all happened in a matter of two seconds.
All of the airbags deployed. The car had smoke coming from the hood and some of the paneling inside the car had become loose. The whole world seemed to be spinning. What do I do now? As we got out of the car, two cars pulled over behind us and called the police. We noticed that the person who cut me off had pulled over as well, but took off as soon as we stepped out of the car.
I’ve learned a lot from this accident. I have a lot of emotions about it. I still feel sore and angry that we never got the plate numbers. I feel guilty. When you are a driver, you are responsible for the lives of the people in your car and somehow, I feel as though I broke that responsibility. I have the classic “could have, should have, would have” and constantly revisit the situation to think about what I could have done to prevent it. I feel heartache as well. That car was the first car I ever invested in. That was my car. That car was the first “adult” purchase of my life. As much as I sometimes hated that car, it was still mine. Losing this car has left me feeling less independent. I have to ask for a ride to and from work and other places. While I’m lucky my mother is able to drive me wherever I need to go, I still feel like a child and it feels like I’m inconveniencing others.
At the same time, I take solace knowing that in this accident we were very lucky to walk away alive. I feel grateful that I had someone with me who stayed calm and was able to talk to police and handle everything. I am grateful that these nice women stopped to make sure we were okay. I also know that this accident does not mean I am a bad driver. This could have happened to anyone. It is also nice to know that I have a strong support system.
I haven’t driven since the accident. This is not because I’m afraid to drive, but rather because I have no car to drive! If I could, I would have driven the very next day.
