I really never know what to write for this website because everything I've been posting lately is so raw and honest, and I always get judged for it. However, I don't really care, and maybe that's an issue I guess. I don't really know, I don't have time to think about it. Actually I choose not to think about it. I don't want to dwell on whether or not my actions are an issue. Lately I've been choosing what's best for me. So that's that.

I just like to write how I feel, it's the thrill I get from writing. I get this sense of relief, I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders, and a writing piece is my gift to the world. If you call it a gift I guess.

It's that time between 12 a.m. and 3 a.m. where my thoughts are racing about everything. Reflecting on my day, reflecting on my choices, reflecting on if I did the correct thing. It's never-ending.

Anyway, I feel like a lot of people's favorite subject to ask me about is my love life since there are rumors that I'm a hoe, I'm really not a hoe, I guarantee it. Yet, I don't really believe I have to prove otherwise, because I know who I am. There's actually only one guy I truly have my eyes set on. It sucks because I feel like he just sees right through me. If it were up to me though I could stare at his honey colored eyes all day, even though they don't notice me the way I want them to. It'd be a pleasure really. Just to look at them all day, look at him. I mean you see him, you see an average guy. I see a work of art. I'm cheesy as fuck but oh well, I'm just going to give that space though. Sometimes I feel like I latch on and become this pest. I don't want to be a pest though, because it's really not who I am. I also don't like being seen as an option. Even though unfortunately I'm completely disposable. However, fortunately for me, I enjoy being alone.

Being alone is comforting really. I like the sensation of it. It's relaxing, you're in your own little world. You're completely, and utterly yourself. Nothing can get better than that. I enjoy reading a book, or listening to music. When I'm alone I truly get the message that the piece I'm working with is conveying to me. It's remarkable really. I love it. I love not being able to have to communicate with anyone, me being a waitress it's almost weird that outside of work I don't like being very social, because at work I'm a social butterfly. I have to admit I find it hard keeping up with a conversation, I'm always uninterested. It's hard not to zone out and get lost in my thoughts. There's just so much to think about. It's crazy.

Sometimes I get a little distant though. But if someone really wanted to be a part of my life, they'd make an effort, and not treat me like something you butter up and taste when you get bored. I'm more than that. I know I am.

I'm always thinking about everything so profoundly it sends my head spinning at times. I try to figure everything out. I'm still trying to learn that I can't have the answer to everything no matter how much I search. It's hard to accept. So my questions linger, waiting to be resolved. I eventually hope they will.

I don't know maybe I'm just weird.

I am weird.

Whatever.

I don't really care.

Maybe I should?

And if I did, I'd be absolutely more mad, than I already am.

I have this desire to help everyone, but at the end of the day, most days more often that not, I get slapped in the face for helping someone who didn't deserve me taking the time to do so. Why is that? Why do I repeat making the same mistakes hoping that one day the result will change?

My head and my heart are constantly at war.

It's a struggle, believe me.

I don't understand the point of this article, I guess I just wanted to get it out-of-the-way because I've been trying to write more now that I have time. I guess they're just late night thoughts.