I Can't Handle That I Was Raped And It's Haunting Me

I Can't Handle That I Was Raped And It's Haunting Me

Lately, things have been hard.

Lately, things have been hard.

I don't know why or what changed, but I feel like my past is haunting me. Every thought I have goes back to me being raped. It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't let it go.

The odd thing is that I was fine. I didn't feel much about what happened unless it was near the time of year, or something reminded me of him. Maybe I repressed it all this time. Maybe I was in such a denial that it's finally hitting me. I don't know, but it's haunting me. I literally can't stop thinking about it and it follows me, everywhere I go.

I'm not thinking about it in an "oh, that thing that happened once," but rather it creeps into my mind in the most unexpected of moments, forcing all other thoughts from my mind. It takes the happiness away and brings pain. It takes all the good with it's cold, ghostly fingers and only leaves panic in its place.

I'm a pretty private person, so I never really told anyone except my boyfriend, the person I trust the most. Though I told him, I never went into detail (who'd want to hear about that) and I think I need to go into detail. I think it's catching up to me and I can't let it go anymore. I can't tell myself "it's fine, it's over" or "don't think about it, it doesn't bother you" because those lies are what got me to this point and now I need help.

Ignoring what happened no matter how much I want to, isn't the answer. Instead, I need to work through it, even if the first step is telling someone.

I know my fear is that if I say it - out loud - then it really, truly, irrevocably happened. There is no gong back or denial, but rather facing him and admitting that it happened, so that I can finally move away from it.

I can never forget or let it go, but I can learn to handle it better.

That starts with telling someone, from beginning to end, what happened. It also starts with me admitting that I'm not doing well. I'm not handling it well. I began to have bad thoughts again and be self-destructive, but in recognizing that I can stop myself before it gets too far.

It starts with me saying I need help and I'm getting bad again. It's not just thoughts, but touches that are haunting me. I feel it creep up on me like a ghost hell bent on getting its notice. It warps my mind, allowing the coldness to leak into my heart, turning it to ice. It looks me in the eyes as tears stream down my face, silent and haunting.

It's the look in my eyes that I see when looking in the mirror. It's the look of pain and knowledge that you can't escape and wish away. It's the quiet in my mind that allows echoes of the past to move into the forefront. It's my shirt moving over my head, reminding me of him. It's the hands that brush my skin, causing fear to steal my breath and the fear that my own hands are his.

The ghost is me. And I need to deal with it. I need to tell someone and get help so that I can be better again. I want to be better again. And getting better starts with admitting there is a problem.

My name is Cat. I was raped. I'm not handling it well anymore and I need help. I need to get better, even if that means facing the worst thing to ever happen to me.

If you were sexually assaulted or raped and need help, please contact 800.656.HOPE

Cover Image Credit: Zach Guinta / Unsplash

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37 Things Growing Up in the South Taught You

Where the tea is sweet, but the people are sweeter.

1. The art of small talking.
2. The importance of calling your momma.
3. The beauty of sweet tea.
4. How to use the term “ma'am” or “sir” (that is, use it as much as possible).
5. Real flowers are way better than fake flowers.
6. Sometimes you only have two seasons instead of four.
7. Fried chicken is the best kind of chicken.
8. When it comes to food, always go for seconds.
9. It is better to overdress for Church than underdress.
10. Word travels fast.
11. Lake days are better than beach days.
12. Handwritten letters never go out of style.
13. If a man doesn’t open the door for you on the first date, dump him.
14. If a man won’t meet your family after four dates, dump him.
15. If your family doesn’t like your boyfriend, dump him.
16. Your occupation doesn’t matter as long as you're happy.
17. But you should always make sure you can support your family.
18. Rocking chairs are by far the best kind of chairs.
19. Cracker Barrel is more than a restaurant, it's a lifestyle.
20. Just 'cause you are from Florida and it is in the south does not make you Southern.
21. High School football is a big deal.
22. If you have a hair dresser for more than three years, never change. Trust her and only her.
23. The kids in your Sunday school class in third grade are also in your graduating class.
24. Makeup doesn’t work in the summer.
25. Laying out is a hobby.
26. Moms get more into high school drama than high schoolers.
27. Sororities are a family affair.
28. You never know how many adults you know 'til its time to get recommendation letters for rush.
29. SEC is the best, no question.
30. You can't go wrong buying a girl Kendra Scotts.
31. People will refer to you by your last name.
32. Biscuits and gravy are bae.
33. Sadie Robertson is a role model.
34. If it is game day you should be dressed nice.
35. If you pass by a child's lemonade stand you better buy lemonade from her. You're supporting capitalism.
36. You are never too old to go home for just a weekend… or just a meal.
37. You can’t imagine living anywhere but the South.

Cover Image Credit: Grace Valentine

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Men, My 'Plan B' Is Also Your 'Plan B' So Be Prepared To Cough Up

Unprotected takes two people, dude.


Now, not that I know a whole lot of anything on this subject. But I am very passionate about men and women being equals as well as often having the opinion that "men are trash."

When having sex, in any circumstance, it takes two willing partners who are aware of the conditions of the activity. When having unprotected sex, it is even more important to make sure both partners are on the same terms. Now, personally, I think having unprotected sex is a stupid and unnecessary risk. Not only do you run a pregnancy risk, but you run an STI risk as well.

But, if two people are going to have unprotected sex, it is a good idea to have a plan for emergency contraceptives. If you think you're going to get laid without agreeing to help pay or placing the responsibility of Plan B on the woman, you're wrong and I am more than willing to tell you why.

First of all, Plan B is expensive and sex is not worth the cost. It is $50 for just one pill. If you think sex with someone who is too cheap to pay for it is worth it, you're a few screws loose. I don't care who you are, it's not worth it.

Second of all, the woman is not the only person engaging in sex. It takes two people to engage in successful consensual sexual intercourse. Therefore, it should take to people to pay for the emergency contraceptive. I am petty enough to take money from your wallet. Don't try me.

Third, it's 2018. Women and men are becoming equals. Therefore, you need to walk yourself right on out of 1952 and stop telling women what their responsibilities are and are not. Women are tired of men dictating what they should and shouldn't do. If you can run around telling women Plan B is their job we can tell you that cleaning up all of the mess that sex leaves is your job.

I will tell you right now, I will never cover the cost of Plan B on my own when I didn't have sex alone. So you have three options here: a.) split the cost b.) wear a condom c.) have a child.

The cost of Plan B One Step birth control at Walgreens is $49.99. And I again state, we will split it. So, split in half that's roughly $24.99. Condoms, on average, cost from $2-$6 for a pack of 3. A baby, on average in the United States costs $10,808. So, I beg the question, A five minute $24.99 trip to Walgreens for Plan B, a relatively cheap box of condoms, or $10,808+ multiplied over 18 years of life?

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