It took me a long time to decide what this article would be about; originally I had intended to write a piece on Black motherhood, political literacy, or other relevant topics. As I attempted to write these pieces, my fingers faltered, hovering over the keys. While those topics were important, they didn’t feel right. For once, I didn’t feel angry or impassioned about these topics; instead, they seemed lackluster. I wanted to write something with a more immediate impact and use for my peers. For high school graduates, the summer between college and high school can be difficult to navigate in terms of taking your freedom and accepting the responsibility of, well, yourself. I know this as well as anyone; my mom is stricter than most and has some issues with letting go of her children. Then again, what parent doesn’t? While I know from years of experience how to handle my mom’s outbursts of over-protection, I thought it would be pertinent to provide some tips for other graduated seniors whose parents might be experiencing some mood shifts lately.
This last week was a normal week in my life. As an eighteen-year old soon to leave home, I’ve been rushing to have as much fun as I can before I settle down to work in college. Naturally, my high volume of activity roused some parental suspicions- let’s just say, I’m grounded. Now, I was perturbed by this. I had been grounded the day after graduation and had only recently ended my punishment. Just a short three days after being ungrounded, there I was, back in my room like Rapunzel in her tower. In many families, it is unusual for an eighteen-year old graduate to still undergo punishments such as grounding. Plenty of my friends have met my complaints with confusion, citing my legal freedom. I could do whatever I wanted to do; if my mom didn’t like it, that was too bad. She had no standing to stop me from going anywhere anymore.
They were definitely right- I am an adult in the eye of the law. However, I abide by my mom’s rules until I no longer reside under her roof. And while I don’t agree with the reason I was grounded, I will not openly rebel against or disrespect my mother. Thought I may be a legal adult, my mom still sees me as somewhat of a child- and that’s nothing out of the ordinary.
Throughout our discussion about my punishment, I could tell that my mom’s mind was not on the original premise of the grounding. The frequency that the word “college” appeared in the conversation betrayed an underlying set of concerns. It was clear that my mother was tightening the reins per say because soon she would have no hold on them, and thus would not have any control over the situations I would encounter. The helicopter parenting that her generation indulged in would not be able to protect me from everything remotely resembling danger or failure. The frequency with which she chose to ground me rather than restrict my phone privileges or something else over every minor infraction showed more than anything what she was truthfully upset about. Whether or not I was rightfully punished is not the topic of this article; rather, the topic is how to navigate your last summer at home before college when your parents begin using every means possible to keep you close.
Parents can often find it hard to let their children go upon the dawning of adulthood. That’s only natural: they’ve been taking care of you since day one, eighteen years ago. No matter how old you become, you will always be your parent’s child. To suddenly relinquish their power over you, and the assurance of your safety that goes with it, is an act that will only come about after many hours of open and honest talks. By the time you are ready to go off on your own, your parents have already lived complete lives filled with the mistakes and hardships they are trying so hard to spare you from experiencing. The phrase “mother knows best” comes to mind; and parents really do think that they know best. Seldom do parents think that in order for their child to learn important lessons they must experience the situations and mistakes themselves. More often, a different proverb from Otto von Bismarck comes to mind: “Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.”
As to which method, allowing the child to make their own mistakes or building bridges over the pitfalls for them, is better, I can’t say- to each their own. However, there is a degree of independence in decision making that needs to be established in order for teens to flourish. If a child is constantly adhering to their parents’ advice, they will never truly know the risks and rewards associated with making decisions. They may also face difficulty making decisions by themselves, a crucial factor in an adult’s life. While you should definitely heed your parents’ advice and see the wisdom in their experiences, do not be afraid to go through the situation in your own way. Mistakes have never hurt anyone- they are instrumental in our growth and can only make us stronger.
When you find yourself grounded at eighteen because you opted to find your own path through an experience, try your best not to meet your parents’ decision with anger. I will now say to you what I’m sure many people have said before me: be the bigger person. Instead of blowing a fuse over the momentary loss of your freedom, put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Try to imagine the variety of emotions they are trying to make sense of for the first time in their lives. Even if you have older siblings who have gone off to college, your parents’ reactions won’t be identical to how they reacted then. This is their first time sending you to college or allowing you to live on your own terms in your own way. Make the best of your grounding: get some work done around the house; finish that book you’ve been holding off on; start a new Netflix series. If they begin repeatedly punishing you in ways that restrict your ability to travel around, maybe you could even use the time to discuss with your parental units how you feel about the situation.
While actions speak louder than words, your parents can’t be with you every day to watch you make good decisions. This is one of those times where talking is more instrumental than your actions. Respectfully approach them and ask to talk about your recent punishment. Let them know that you understand why they’ve punished you and make sure that they feel you see their concerns as valid. After you’ve done this, discuss with them how important it is for you to be able to make your own decisions in the coming days to prepare for college. Try your best not to get defensive if they dismiss your concerns without a thought; anger, denial, and rude behavior are all signs that they are not handling reality well and are experiencing anxiety over your departure.
Just continue to talk with them about how you’re dealing with going away to college in the fall- if you allow them to see that you are aware that college is going to be a big change requiring a lot of discretion in a changing lifestyle, they are more likely to be sympathetic to what you are saying. Let them know that you have considered the risks and rewards of your actions and will do your best to be safe and responsible throughout the situations you will encounter both over the summer and at college. You’d be surprised how much of your parents’ suspicion and unrest is due to anxiety. Most of all, remember to listen to what they have to say. Repeat this conversation as much as necessary. In the meantime, gradually become more and more independent from your parents throughout the summer, gently getting them used to the idea that you are your own person.
Keeping the dialogue open and respectful will not only help get closer to the root of the issue, but it will also help you maintain an open and healthy relationship with your parents. Now that you are an adult, it’s time to act like one; that means meeting irrational fears with understanding and patience, even if those fears are coming from your parents.
I know that this concept can be a difficult one to accept. After all, your parent is the full time adult, not you. Why should you have to ease them into accepting a natural part of your life? It may well seem as if you are coddling them and sugar coating reality. However, a bit of kindness and empathy goes a long way. Parents can feel just as alone as us during the transition from high school to college; having someone to go through it with them can make all the difference. Establishing an understanding about the future between you and your parents can open up an important support system in your family and make your summer leading up to college less stressful and a lot less grounded.
So, when someone looks confused when you say you’re eighteen and grounded, just tell them it’s for your parents’ sakes and watch the confusion grow.
