The 2016 presidential candidates have been very clear on their platforms, communicating through endless debates, viral sound bytes, and passive-aggressive slogans. This added clarity has given these candidates personalities distinct enough that there could be a song describing each of who they are and what they're saying.
Dr. Ben Carson: "Flatline" by B.O.B. and "The Art of Peer Pressure" by Kendrick Lamar
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While Dr. Carson was actually a front runner in the GOP race, he made a controversial — actually just odd — comment about the Egyptian pyramids, saying that biblical figure Joseph built them in order to store grain. This comment was virtually perfect for the media to hound on him.
This theory can be best characterized by rapper B.O.B's most recent song "Flatline", telling his conspiracy theory believing that the earth was flat. Yes. Flat. This was precursed by his "discoveries" posted on Twitter days before.
@bobatl: The cities in the background are approximately 16miles apart...where is the curve ? please explain this
But that can't be enough for Carson. He said this November that, as a teenager, he would resort to criminal activity, including confessing that he tried to stab someone. This confession of criminal behavior in teenage year is similar to Kendrick Lamar's album breakout sophomore hit "Good Kid, M.A.A.D City," but specifically the song "The Art of Peer Pressure", talking about gang banging and robbery, but only doing so when he's "with the homies", ergo: the art of peer pressure.
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However, while Lamar's story seems solid, Carson's has a few holes in it, and much of the public believe that he didn't even engage in this behavior. Since his comments, Carson has dropped from first to fifth in most polls and, though this drop might be mostly due to the Paris attacks in November bringing up his lack of foreign policy experience, these sayings certainly did not help.
Hillary Clinton: "Waterfalls" by TLC
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Opposing Bernie Sanders' more lofty proposals like free tuition, a $15 minimum wage, and a single payer health care system, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has taken the more "pragmatic approach", often distinguishing herself as less "idealistic."
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So, as TLC sings in the song that clearly hasn't aged well, she tells the voter "don't go chasing waterfalls/Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to." And, being the wife of a former president and constantly comparing herself to our current President, that second line couldn't be any more true.
Ted Cruz: "Pageant Material" by Kacey Musgraves
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Following Texas Senator Ted Cruz's upset win at the Iowa Caucus, Saturday Night Live had a more true than funny cold open with the always reliable Taran Killam playing Cruz. "Now I'll admit, I'm an unconventional candidate," says Killam. "I'm not like other politicians. I didn't get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic or —" this goes on for a while. Eventually, he says "In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time: being Ted Cruz."
Credit: Rolling Stone
So, just like country singer Kacey Musgraves sings it, Ted Cruz could easily say "I ain't pageant material." And you can't describe the senator of Texas without a country song, right?
John Kasich: "Talking 2 Myself" by Eminem
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Ohio Senator John Kasich is by far the least known candidate still running and, despite his strong second place showing in New Hampshire, possibly the least likely to win, which is a real shame. I'm not saying he should win, but if you ever hear Kasich talk at a debate —which is rare — he actually speaks some sense in a very provocative field.
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"Is anybody out there?" Eminem sing-yells, one of his trademarks. "I feel like I'm talking to myself!" in a song about someone with a voice, but just with no one there to hear. And with a candidate who is, according to RealClearPolitics, the fourth polling candidate in the GOP, I'm sure Kasich asks himself that too sometimes.
Marco Rubio: "Repeat Stuff" by Bo Burnham
In the New Hampshire Republican debate earlier this month, Florida Senator Marco Rubio was criticized by the other candidates, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie especially, for his lack of experience in the senate that would lead him to a prepared presidency. Rubio responded, several times, with a 25 second bit about Obama's supposed failings as President. This has prompted a disappointing New Hampshire turnout and, of course, the "Rubio Robots":
Source: dailymail.co.uk
Comedian Bo Burnhan, being his usual, contrarian self, sings "Repeat Stuff," a sprawling criticism of the pop industry's corporate greed. "America says we love a chorus/But don't get complicated and bore us/The meaning might be missing/We need to know the lyrics after just one listen/So repeat stuff/Repeat stuff. Repeat Stuff ..."
Though there's the obvious connection between the song and Rubio's repeating, there's actually another layer under, as Marco Rubio might just be influenced by his team, reverting to talking points instead of saying how he feels toward the actual question, as the same pop stars are. Maybe he took the idea from them. He is "really interested" in EDM.
Bernie Sanders: "Uprising" by Muse
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Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has talked in his campaign about a "political revolution" targeting, well, essentially the 99%, but in a more dramatic way people who have given up on the political system.
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His promises to change democracy as we know it is not too far away from the Muse song "Uprising", as Matt Bellamy sings "They will not force us/They will stop degrading us/The will not control us/We will be victorious." I'm not sure if "they" refers to the government or the media, but Bernie's comprehensive reform platform leads me to believe that it's both —for him, at least.
Donald Trump: "Minorities in My Water Park" by Eric Cartman
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A candidate as cartoonish as Donald Trump only deserves an actual cartoon to represent him. Though the stances on immigration by the candidates have been diverse, Trump has been very clear that he is anti-immigration, prompting his promise, as president, to build a giant wall that would span the entire Mexican border, from California to Texas.
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In the South Park episode "Pee", the always vulgar, recalcitrant, and occasionally xenophobic Eric Cartman responded to the increased attendance of minorities in his favorite Water Park by this hilarious song, And though some of the lines are esoteric "It's a 40 minute wait to go down one slide/And the instructions are in Spanish on the zip line ride!", lyrics like "This was our land — our dream/And they've taken it all away" seems to have come straight from one of the speeches of the leading Republican Presidential Candidate.
Well, there you are. And even if your preferred candidate doesn't make it through to the presidency, you still have music to get you through the next four years.
