One of the mentally difficult things about being diagnosed with a violent and malignant disease such as cancer are the people who try to discover the root of the problem.
These are the people who wish to use WebMD and other websites as checklists, comparing each bullet point to their memories of you. It's the people that suggest that I shouldn't do things simply because cancer might come back. I understand that people can create a sense of protection once they can separate themselves from the person in danger, but this estrangement can be detrimental to the person suffering.
Just to clear this up, nothing I did (that my doctors or I know of) gave me cancer.
While surviving cancer takes its own personal toll on one's body and mind, these thoughts and opinions leave your brain desperately trying to trace back every step to that fateful day when it all began without your knowledge.
Honestly, even if the answer was any more obvious than a guess, I don't think I would want to know.
I don't want to live in fear of things I enjoy or could potentially enjoy because, to be frank, one of my cells made a mistake and tried to kill me. Besides the trust issues that creates between me and my cells, I don't want to lose trust in the world around me as a whole.
At the time of my diagnosis, I was a straight-A student who worked two jobs, danced and exercised daily, ate healthily, and even volunteered in my free time. I was a normal teenager who was just trying her best to get into college.
When I was diagnosed, I spent almost every waking moment trying to figure out what I had done wrong to deserve this.
If it was fate, the cure was only discovered in the mid to late 1900's. Was my fate supposed to be death? It sounded like a stretch but so was the fact that my seemingly infected lymph nodes were actually Stage Four cancer.
When terrible things happen, people are desperate to try to find a reason why. It is well-known that we fear what we do not understand and therefore we have to try to make it make sense.
After many months and quite honestly, lots of therapy, I have come to accept that sometimes things just don't make sense. Sometimes bad things happen to good people through no fault of their own.
The truth of the matter is that while we have no control over what happens in life, we have control over how we choose to handle the cards we are dealt.
I love life and I accept the imperfections that are included in it. For me, however, these imperfections only make life more beautiful and precious. Although now I truly understand that nothing is guaranteed, I take each day as a lesson allowing me to learn and grow.
When so many things could go wrong, isn't it all the more amazing when things go right?
When the tumors do shrink and the cancer is eradicated. I don't mind the uncertainty of the past because I am confident with the present and I am hopeful about the future. It is the lessons that this disease taught me that allow me to avoid taking things for granted.
Don't try to figure out the cause of my cancer because I have found closure in the random occurrences of everyday life.