I think it’s about time I told people how bullying has affected my life.This is a hard topic for me to talk about. I hate admitting that bullying that happened such a long time ago has really affected my view of myself and other people. It’s hard to look at my life and discern how the bullies who hurt me in 3rd through 8th grade have affected my life. Even though I was young, it was a painful time in my life. I still remember coming home crying almost every day. I can still remember the pain that those girls caused me. Bullying is not something to joke about, or to just hold rallies and assemblies for if you’re not going to do anything about it. Physical and cyberbullying aren't the only kinds of bullying out there. That seems to be the focus of everyone’s attention, this kid is getting beat up or getting nasty emails sent to them. But the bullying I experienced has nothing to do with punching or nasty emails. It has to do with psychological and emotional attacks and mental punches. These girls took advantage of my kindness and optimism and hurt me deeper than any punch could have.

From 3rd grade to 8th I was taken advantage of. My kindness, optimism and friendliness were used against me. Both of the bullies that I speak of would act like my friend. The first acted like my best friend one minute, and then would stab me in the back the next. I would come home crying, but told my mom that this girl just needed a good friend. And what did that get me? Tears and betrayal. I should have backed off and let her and her little friends get away from me, but I insisted and tried to be that “good friend.”

In middle school, which is by far one of the hardest times of a person’s life, I had a friend. She made me choose between her and another friend. She would confuse me and say that she didn’t like this friend, and then she would make me her messenger by using my optimism that they could work out their problems and had me try to fix their friendship. I was her dog, I was little, insignificant and she used me like a dog. She played with my kindness and my mind and left me mentally exhausted and destroyed. But, I got over these bullies. Or so I thought.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that these bullies have affected the way I look at myself and other people. Even though these bullies don’t bother me today, the effect they’ve had on my life has been detrimental and has hurt my relationships. This type of bullying I went through isn't talked about as often as physical and cyber bullying, but it should be. There are people out there who have gone through the same thing as me and have been completely affected. You don’t realize that you haven’t fully gotten over it until you have someone making you aware of patterns that you've been subconsciously doing.

For me, self-image has a lot to do with what happened to me in those early years. My self-image plummeted. I looked at myself and I judged myself. I didn’t see the beautiful girl that people told me I was. I saw someone damaged and scarred and ugly. This went on, and I still struggle with it. The fact that these girls from so early in my life tormented me by acting like my friend and backstabbing me changed the way I viewed myself. I kept a smile on my face and kept being friendly, even though inside, I was looking at myself and didn’t like what I saw.

The major effect these bullies had on me now gives me the drive to want to get approval from everyone. I feel like I have to prove to people that I can do things, and act a certain way. Those girls made me feel terrible. They permanently damaged me and I didn’t even know it. They made me feel so insignificant, and I see it in my life now. I feel unimportant, even if the person I’m talking to doesn’t think that or doesn't want to make me feel that way. But I still feel it. It’s hurt my relationship with so many people. I'm stubborn and defensive because every time someone criticizes me or tells me I did something wrong, I feel like they're attacking me, even though that's almost always completely wrong.

Because of feeling trivial, something I have struggled with almost my whole life is trying to one up someone. I try to be better than the person I talk to. Sometimes I don’t even realize that I do it. For the longest time, I had no idea I was. Some people I love pointed it out to me. My family helped me realize that I was acting selfish and trying to get attention. And if that’s not what they meant, that’s what I felt like they were saying to me. This is why these girls have shaped the way I lived. I do feel like I need to one up someone, or else they won’t take me seriously.

Psychologically, this bullying really has affected the way I act. This having to be defensive stems from people messing with my mind and taking advantage of my kindness and friendliness.These girls hurt me, and there are many people out there, many kids, who have been hurt like I have, and will grow up feeling the same way. If a person acts defensive or feels like they have to be better then everyone, maybe it’s not because they're selfish or want attention. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because this person has gone through the feeling of being insignificant, and that if they don’t one up someone, or aren’t defensive, people will look at them and think that they're small and irrelevant. Not every time someone tries to be better than another is because they want all the attention on themselves.

Mental abuse can hurt just as much as physical bullying. In some cases, it can hurt more. Bullying is something that so many people struggle with, and some people have lasting effects, like me. Their whole life is changed. What people don’t understand is that there are so many kinds of bullying that people don’t focus on. Physical and cyberbullying are really big, but there are other kinds of bullying: emotional, mental, sexual, relational... so many. Each of these have different effects on people. Many feel they have gotten over what they went through, but in reality, they don’t notice how it’s changed them. That’s what happened to me, I thought I was over everything those girls did to me, when in reality, I'm not and I don’t even know if I ever will be. They have created me. They are a part of my past and what’s made me the way I am today. I don’t know if I can change that. What those girls did to me will stay with me for the rest of my life and never leave. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I don’t have to prove myself to people or not be defensive. I honestly don’t. It’s really shaped my mind and feelings and was building in me for my whole life, and something like that can’t just go away.

For those people who are like me, you are not alone. There are people who have been through what you have been through. They’ve been bullied in so many ways, and I beg you, talk to someone, or if you can’t at the moment, write in a journal or diary. That was one of the only things that got me through the hard times. Writing my feelings out gave me a way to organize my feelings and gave me “someone” to talk to. Whatever you do, just don’t don’t nothing about it.