Bright Space in Dark Places

By

Kira Drewery

Think of your life. When you think of it do you think of the good moments or bad? If you think of the good moments, I want you to thank the universe for those good moments, but then think of the bad. When you’re stuck in a bad place, such as I was a month ago it’s hard to think of nothing else, but those bad moments. Your life seems to only rewind, and your whole life seems to be one big bad memory. Even your birth seems like a mistake! I’m going to share with you guys a truly bad moment, and then towards the end explain how I realized that when you’re down the only direction you can go is up.

In the start of my college year, I was excited. Sure I was leaving my parents, friends, and boyfriends behind, but it wasn’t like I was far. I was only a 45-minute drive, and so as we unpacked my items, and settled me into my dorm I was very happy. I felt like I truly was a adult, and truly had a chance to make my mark on the world. Now, skip a couple days, and it was Freshman Week. I was able to make a couple friends, and go to a couple parties. Being the social butterfly I was it was easy to mix and mingle. Now, let’s retrace back to my friends. A couple people from my old school had come as well, include an old, but short-lived flame. Now we’re going to call this boy Max for the for the sake of privacy. I met him after he had a nasty break-up with one of my friends, and feeling bad for him I gave him some consult and sympathy. Now of course, over time sympathy turned to kisses. It was never anything more, and as soon as my current boyfriend, we’ll call him Joe, came in the picture I shut off contact. Now seeing him on campus I figured I should be cordial, and I should at least say “hi” or “bye”. Some of my friends were his friends, and so I decided to engage in conversation. Now, when I think back on it the conversations made me sick, and the way he talked about me made me feel like I was cheap. Soon afterwards I began avoiding his interactions, and after some days it seemed like it was fine.

Now, when you’re in a bad place, you don’t just magically end up there. There’s things that that slowly take you there. I was worried about little non-essential things that I can’t even remember, but my biggest worry was Max, he would always make advantages at me, talk vulgar to me, and treat me as if I was still his even though I made it clear that I had a boyfriend. His attitude came of as cocky, and as if he still had some control over me. I removed myself from the situation, but I could still feel myself getting sadder overtime, and feeling as if he would always be something I’d have to deal with. Now, skip ahead and my friend and I were sitting in the lunch line, and he stands behind me. I try to keep my cool, and don’t speak except to make a couple jokes to my friend, ignoring his presence. One of my jokes apparently made him feel the need to joke back. He got closer to my face which caused me to back up, and then he did it. Without my consent he touched my vagina, and although it was through my jeans, it still caused me to stop. For the remainder of that lunch I was silent. I called my friend Bruno, and we talked on what I should do. When I hung up my whole body started shaking, and I started crying. I couldn’t control myself. Now this wasn’t my first sexual assault that’s happened. My last job an employee had asked me to do explicit things even though I was a minor. Thinking about those two moments made me feel as if I deserved all this, as if all the bad things I had done in my life were coming back to me. I felt weak and helpless. I felt alone, and even after calling my boyfriend and explaining the situation I felt as if there was nothing I could do to help myself. This was the saddest I had ever been. I didn’t leave my dorm for breakfast, or any meal, and when I did I was always alone. Company was not what I needed. I cried a lot, and my thoughts consumed me.

The next day I went to the police at my school, and that was the scariest moment of my life. Although the police handled the situation very well, and asked me questions my heart was beating almost out my chest, and my palms were sweating. When they asked if I wanted to see him I felt my face drain of color, and I kindly asked if I could leave. I walked back to my dorm, and I felt my body shaking. I knew what I had done was the right thing, but my brain was thinking the worst. What if he found me? What if he got angry and hurt me? What if he called me a liar, and they believed him? I didn’t press charges, but I did want him to be restrained and to never speak to him or see him again. Those days after that I didn’t leave my dorm, and the only time I did was to go home. My friends took me back home, and I hung out for a while to get some fresh air, and to just not have to think about campus or him. If I hadn’t had that support in my life, I don’t think I’d be okay. Once you’re in that bad moment it’s easy to think that there’s no hope. For days I thought that I deserved this, and I had caused this on myself. Although after a long talk with my mom I realized that no one deserves this. Consent is extremely important, and boundaries are important. If someone is invading your personal space, and causing you to be uncomfortable then you have every right to speak out. You have every right to speak up. Don’t allow people to treat you as if you have no voice, and you are not important.

Now, after a couple of days I slowly felt myself become better. During this time, he reached out, and apologized. His apology was fake, at least in my opinion. He strung together all the things he’d thought I’d want to hear, but it knew better. I responded letting him know I don’t regret going to the police, and what’s done is done. He made his bed, and now he’d have to lie in it. Our contact after that has been brief, if any at all. I feel much better now, and feel a sense of safety knowing that I have a friends and family who’ll support me, and that if anything happens again I can call the police.

Finally, when you think of your bad time, or moment in your life, or if you are currently in a bad place or moment in your life I want you to realize that you’re not alone. You may feel that way, but there are people who love and support you and want the best. Now you will feel lost and a little bit disheartened but these are normal emotions, and in order to go up you have to stay down for a little bit. Your heart may hurt, and you may feel as if there’s no reason to keep going or keep moving, but you have to keep moving. You have to leave that dark place, and slowly realize that you have so much to live for. You have to keep going up, because you are so much more than you are at your darkest moment. You are a person, and you deserve all the happiness and support in the world.