My Breakup Still Hurts

Post-Breakup Life Still Hurts

Feelings were once there, and that doesn't just go away.

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Dealing with a breakup is ultimately a struggle. As long as there were feelings involved, it hurts. Time does not matter, nor does anything else really. The things that do matter are the memories you made, the laughs, the jokes, everything that was once good in a relationship. The good memories, wherein at that point in time, you wondered how you could ever live without this person. The memories where you questioned if you're ever going to break up because everything seems so perfect. Because when you look back on those memories, you wonder how things could have taken such a drastic turn.

1. "You deserve better"

Whenever anyone goes through a breakup, the people around them try to support the person by telling them they deserve better. They will tell you that you can do better. They will pick on your ex for little things to try to show you why this is true. Maybe to crack a smile, make you laugh, bring some light back into your eyes. The problem is, it still hurts. Even if you have come to the realization that you can do better or that you do deserve better, the pain is still there. Feelings were once there, and that doesn't just go away.

2. "Can we stay friends?"

After a breakup, it is too difficult for many to jump to being friends. When you once shared a connection with someone that was more intimate, it's hard to just drop that and look at them in a completely different way. It hurts to hear the words, "I want to remain friends." For many, this may be a relief. But for me, this was a knife to my heart. I could not fathom how someone could want to jump from a relationship to a friendship so quickly. I still felt that I needed time to heal. This made me realize he did not need that time to heal. In fact, it showed that he was perfectly fine if he could go on with his day, seeing me as a friend, and not wanting more. It then hit me; did he ever even like me? If he did, it clearly was not as much as I liked him. It hurts. This hurts. It all hurts.

3. Seeing you around

I obviously don't want to sound bitter. I want my ex to be happy. I don't hate him. I do want the best for him. We had many good memories once before, and I can't choose to ignore that. But seeing him around is painful. This is because I wouldn't just "see him around" before. I would be with him. Or I would see him and join him on whatever he was about to partake in. Now, it's as if that had never happened; as if we're strangers. I obviously eventually want him to find a girl one day that he will love and cherish. It would simply be selfish of me if I said otherwise. But, it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt me because I will be wondering what she has that I don't. I will be questioning why he could stay with her, but breakup with me. It will hurt seeing that I could not make him happy enough to stay.

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An Open Letter To The Guy I'm Finally Getting Over

I think I'm ready to listen to the happy Taylor Swift songs again.
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I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.

I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didn't want it to stop.

You had me so fooled.

One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was OK, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple of weeks I pretended that everything would be OK, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasn't real.

Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that I'm moving on. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.

So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh, don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.

Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.

I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well, I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.

On to the next.

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All The Things I Wish I Could Say To My Ex

But it's not worth pouring your heart out to someone who isn't listening.

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It's been sometime now since we've last talked, but you still cross my mind all the time. Sometimes I wonder what you are up to, how you have been doing, what your future plans are, and things like that.

Other times I wonder if you ever think of me, if you are sorry for how you treated me, or if you even care.

I try not to let you consume my thoughts, but it's hard not to when there were so many things left unsaid and so many questions that were never answered. Things I still wonder to this day.

I begged and begged you to be honest with me and to let me know what your intentions were, but I guess that was asking too much.

Before you, I never knew what it felt like to be abandoned. After you, I am too scared to get close to anybody I meet because I can't bear the thought of them leaving me the way you did. I barely ever put myself out there now and I close myself off anytime I think I start to like someone.

You caused me a lot of pain and hurt, and the saddest part is I don't even think you are aware of how shitty you were. To be treated with such disrespect and ignored by someone that you love with your whole heart is a different type of hurt. All I ever wanted was answers.

Although I still get sad sometimes, it's not because I miss you anymore. I get sad because of how I let you treat me, and for how long. I get sad for the girl I was then, and for how much better she deserved. I was so broken and you kept breaking me over and over again.

Eventually, I just gave up, which was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Because despite everything I really did still love you, and I have no idea why. I was in a constant battle with my heart and my head and I didn't know what to do anymore, and it was devastating to me.

As the days went by, it got easier and I thought about you less. I started to love myself more and work on becoming a better me. I now know that I deserve the best and I will never settle for anything less. I still have so much to work on, but I think I've come a long way.

I hope you are doing well in your life and accomplishing everything you wanted to. Thank you for showing me what I absolutely don't deserve, and for helping to shape me into the strong and independent woman I am today. I will never put up with a man like you ever again.

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