Dear Anxiety,
I know you have loved being with me since elementary school, but I think it's time we say our goodbyes.
You found me in elementary school and made my school experience different. You made me become besties with the school nurses as I had a nervous stomach quite often. My teachers knew I was very nervous and supported me and helped me get through the school days. While all of my friends were focused on school and who they were going to play with at recess, my thoughts were different. You made me worry about whether I was going to make it through the school day, if I was going to get sick at school, made me wonder what in the world I was going to do without my mom every second of the school day. But little did I know, it was only getting started.
I think you knew you had given me a tough time in elementary school, so you decided to give me a little bit of a break in middle school. Middle school was still stressful for me, don't get me wrong, but I definitely wasn’t struggling anymore. The transition from elementary school to middle school made me extremely anxious, but I knew I was good after adjusting.
High school you decided to be with me again! Freshman year you made it so difficult for me to branch out and make friends. You always made me worry about what others would think of me. You always brought up the "What Ifs" that killed me.
What if I have to sit alone at lunch? What if I pass out in the middle of the hallway and everyone laughs at me? What if I say something wrong and people give me dirty looks? What if I make no friends?
The what ifs could go on forever in my head, and always do. Sophomore year was the same; what ifs that I tried ignoring, but couldn't. Junior year you decided to test me and hit me full force. I wasn’t ready for it.
Junior year was the worst because of you. My absences started to increase and my grades decreased. You made it hard for me to even stay in school, never mind show up. I tried to maintain my grades and stay updated on my work, but every time I tried I would get a negative thought in my head.
Outside of school, I figured it would get better, except you wanted to stay with me at home, too. Once I got home, I wouldn’t want to leave my family or my house. You made me think "Hey why would you want to go out? Something bad can happen if you go out. Just stay home!" I kept listening and soon I became attached to my family and home and never wanted to go out and do anything. I felt terrible saying no to my friends or making up an excuse for not wanting to go out, when in reality there was no good reason for me not to go out. Eventually, they did get annoyed and didn’t understand what was going on. I didn't either.
You have tried to bring me down so many times. I have pulled right back up and continued to fight through you. Senior year was truly the hardest year personally. I missed so many days of school because of you. I would get up and feel the slightest bit sick and you would come in my head with the "what ifs." All that would go through my head was "What if I get sick in school and people laugh at me?" "What if you can't leave and you're stuck there sick?"
All of these negative thoughts would not only make me want to stay home, but they made me feel even sicker. The number of days I missed because of you is crazy. I wish I didn’t let you get the best of me. I wish I fought through it but what people don’t understand is that it is incredibly hard to fight through anxiety when you constantly have these negative things going through your mind. I always got crap for being absent so much. It made me so upset because that is not the student I am; I am a hardworking and a successful student, only my anxiety made me be viewed as something different. Some of my friends didn’t understand what I was going through and just thought I was always faking sick when I physically couldn’t stay in school.
You really did make high school difficult for me.
From now on I am not letting you take over my life. I am strong. I can get through this. You have made many things in my life challenging, but I am not letting you have that control anymore. I am going to make the best of every day and do my best to ignore you no matter how many negative thoughts or "what if" situations you put in my head. I don’t like to use the word hate, but I truly do hate you and everything you have put me through. Anxiety, I just want you to know that you may have succeeded in the past, but you will no longer.
We are done.
