Whether you voted for Mr. Trump or not, you can’t deny that he’s got “the best people.”
Think about it – surely liberals and conservatives alike can agree that most of the Cabinet picks we’ve all been hearing about for the past month literally could not be better suited for the job! Rex Tillerson’s blatant ties to Russia, along with his history of orchestrating joint ventures in Russia-controlled oil-drilling locations, certainly provide all the experience and trustworthiness that you’d expect from a Secretary of State. (Public-sector experience is overrated anyway – am I right?)
And who better than Stephen Bannon, co-founder of Breitbart News (“a website that has pushed racist, sexist, xenophobic and anti-Semitic material into the vein of the alt-right”) to serve as Mr. Trump’s chief strategist? After all, it was Trump himself who pushed racist, sexist, xenophobic, and anti-Semitic material into the vein of mainstream American politics. It works out pretty darn well.
But enough about these respectable staffing decisions: here are just a couple of our predictions and suggestions regarding the lucky guys and gals – but mostly guys – that will serve on the Cabinet.
Position: U.S. Trade Representative
Our Pick: Jabba The Hutt
Jabba is an accomplished trader, negotiator, and crime boss – and his penchant for holding girls against their will means he’ll have plenty to relate to with Mr. Trump… right?
Position: Environmental Protection Agency Head
Our Pick: The Once-Ler (before he got smart)
All Americans, regardless of political ideology, can get behind the Once-Ler protecting our environment. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would exploit beautiful forests for his own financial gains, right? It’d work out, we’re pretty sure.
Position: Attorney General
Trump’s Pick: Jeff Sessions (described in the New York Times as one of the “most strident anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim, anti-L.G.B.T. voices in the Senate”)
Our Better Pick: Kimmy Schmidt’s Attorneys
This efficient and professional dynamic duo’s knowledge of courtroom procedure and the case they’re prosecuting would come in handy if Marcia and Chris become Attorney General.
