After any breakup, the individuals involved in that breakup go through a kind of grieving process similar to the process that occurs after a loved one passes away. As my old sociology professor had said, "Break-ups will be the worst hurt that you ever experience, even worse than death." Well, I'm not completely sure I agree with that particular comparison, but I can appreciate the fact that he was attempting to teach us about the similarities between the grief cycle that occurs after the death of a loved one and the one that occurs after a break-up.
Certainly, after the last breakup between one of my exes and I, the stage of the breakup I seemed to be the most stuck on was anger. I was angry at him, for hurting me multiple times through his cheating and his lies, and I was certainly angry with myself for ignoring everyone else around me who so valiantly attempted to show me who he really was as a person, and I was angry for the number of times I let the hurt and betrayals occur over and over again just to prove something to myself.
My ex certainly wasn't the only person I experienced this anger with. I experienced this anger with various friendships I've held over the years, with family and loved ones, and to this day, the abuses that occurred in childhood. The thing about this anger, however, is that you always reach a point of forgiveness. Right?
Well, lately I'm not too sure. I suppose some conflicts and betrayals are easier to forgive than others, but some actually seem to come back around. With my ex, for example, I went through a period of forgiveness that lasted for well over a year after our last breakup. I had decided that despite the fact that he had hurt me on numerous occasions, he had still taught me things about myself. He forced me to deal with pain, loss and betrayal in a way that no one else had, and I had to at least give him credit for that. Slowly, I was beginning to wish him well in life and I stopped thinking about him at all for long periods at a time. I was finally beginning to feel at peace with that portion of my life.
Lately, though, I've started to feel a little angry again. I am beginning to pursue relationships and friendships that are coming to mean a lot to me, and I'm finding various insecurities and anxieties that arise within me that could only be caused by the betrayals, abuses, and hurts that have occurred from my ex and even during other points of my life. I desire so much to have healthy relationships, and what makes that so difficult are the past traumas I've experienced that seem to linger like ghosts in my own head. I despise so much that there are dark parts of my past that are catching up to the sunshine that is my present.
So where do I go from here? How do I deal with this reoccurring stage of anger? How do I not let past traumas affect my current state of mind? Well, first of all, I suppose that I have to give myself credit, credit for recognizing that certain insecurities and anxieties that I have are caused by what's occurred in the past, and not something that is likely to happen in my present. I also need to remind myself that feelings of anger, sorrow, regret, grief, and so forth are only temporary. I need to continue reminding myself that I and only I am in charge of my state of mind, and not anyone else from my past, present or future. Only I can deliver myself the peace that I deserve.
And certainly, this I intend to do. I am allowed to feel anger at my past traumas as long as I deal with that anger in a healthy way, like through writing or reading or meditation or walking or some other coping mechanism. I am allowed to feel insecure about my present situation, as long as I am not allowing those insecurities to affect others in drastic, harmful ways and that I am communicating with others about these insecurities before they may. And I am allowed to feel hopeful about feeling peace in the future, because, well, why wouldn't I?
