I am not a stranger to unhappiness, self hatred, lack of motivation or self destruction. Throughout my teenage years and the recent years preparing me for adulthood I have experienced all of these and more. I often feel unmotivated to go to the gym or eat right and then disgusted by the way I look. I also feel sad over things I can't control or the things think I could've done differently, but didn't. I am no stranger to regret. In my rage, sadness, despair and numbness, I have hurt myself and hurt others, purposefully and on accident, in attempt to somehow forget or mask how broken I felt.
Lately, a little more than usual, these ideas and feelings of unhappiness, lack of motivation and regret have been consuming me. Making me feel powerless, depressed and even unready face the day. But even more so, I've been confronted with the fact that life can be so incredibly short or, perhaps for some, entirely too long. And the fact of the matter is, you can't make your life any longer than it is meant to be, but you can make it feel more fulfilled. You can make your life worth it, whether you will be alive for another hour or another century.
The struggle I've found with this logic is that there are always things I HAVE to do. Realistically, I can't quit my job or travel the world right now. I have to work hard (sometimes multiple jobs), take school seriously and somehow manage all the stress that comes along with both. I don't feel like I'm living life fully fulfilled. I feel weighed down by things I have to do or things I regret but can't change and it's frustrating.
And quite honestly, I have no solution for the former. I could say, "Just be happy" and "Smile at/enjoy everything you do" but honestly that is way easier said than done and sometimes even impossible. And I mean, YES!! try to find the joy in everything and take time to love yourself and do something spontaneous every once in a while but mostly, at least for personally right now, dig up all that old crap (all the things that made you build walls, the past that is holding you back, the regrets you have that you can't quite shake) and LET THEM GO. Don't let them justify self destruction or put you in toxic situations, don't let them hurt people around you or burn bridges. It's a snowball effect and a cycle. The destruction you cause, to yourself or anyone else, based on the regret, sadness, insecurity, you feel now, will only lead to more regret, sadness and insecurity later in life. Stop the cycle and let yourself live.
