I was sitting with a friend today, having coffee. In the midst of plowing through biscuits, bacon, and lattes, we were able to do some much needed catching up. She mentioned that she was loving the single life. She said she was really enjoying having some “me time” lately. I nodded and started to mumble my agreement, but then I let it slip: “I’ve been having twenty years of me time.” I giggled and brushed it off like it was a joke, but right as I said it, I could feel it, and I could see that she sensed it too. I kind of shocked myself. Wow. I’m bitter about this.

You see, in my twenty years, I have never been on a date. I’ve never been the kind of girl who chases guys incessantly. It’s just not how I’m wired. And it was never really a big deal for me. Many of my friends were single all through high school, so I didn’t feel out of the ordinary being single. I liked the idea of a guy pursuing me without me having to throw myself at him. I like commitment and solidity and loyalty. I’m not big on fleeting, flirty fun.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with being single sometimes. I heard on the radio recently about a lady who was calling in for advice because she was going on her first date at age 29. I mentally started freaking out. I cannot turn into her. That would be humiliating. It was a ridiculous fear, and eventually I brushed it aside and moved on. But at that moment, all sorts of insecurities started to flood my brain. I thought about how I’ve lived for two decades with next to no male attention and started to feel really discontent. Remember, this is the girl who likes to be single. This is the girl who doesn’t flirt, who doesn’t need a guy, who doesn’t need affirmation. But oh, how I lie to myself. Whenever this loneliness and confusion starts to take over, I go through this mental list of why guys don’t flock to me. Maybe I need to start flirting more, I must not make enough eye contact or smile enough. Maybe I need to start strategically pursuing guys and sitting next to the dateable ones in all of my classes.

I’ve wondered why other girls get so much attention that I don’t seem to get.

But you know, maybe part of the reason is so that I could write this post to let other girls know that it’s okay to feel those things. I’m not here to tell you about the blessing of singleness, although it is definitely there. There are plenty of times when I am perfectly content in my singleness, and I think that is the ultimate goal that is achievable with God’s help. BUT…You don’t always have to keep your strong-independent-single-woman appearance up. You’re not weak to want a boyfriend. You are not unattractive, you are not a bad communicator, you don’t have a bad personality. You’re just single. That’s the reality you have to live with right now. That’s the reality that you could thrive in right now.

Side note: Your singleness should never be a state of constant sadness or frustration. If that’s how you feel, then I encourage you to look to the truth of God’s word for true contentment and comfort.

What I want you to hear from me is that other girls struggle with it too. Girls who look like they’re okay. Girls who you think have it all together. Girls who seem perfect and polished. And yes, even confident girls who love Jesus. There will be times when you will come unhinged. You will feel lonely sometimes. You’ll feel lonely so that you can learn to overcome it and grow stronger through it. You’ll feel lonely because that is often the thing that draws you right back to Jesus’ arms.

So here is my challenge to you: strive to be authentic and run from bitterness. The next time you talk about your singleness, stare it in the face and treat it like it is. Talk about how you’re loving it or talk about how you’re hating it, but do not decrease your own self-worth with your words. Don’t turn your singleness into a joke. Being single may be simple at times and at other times it will be difficult. Either way, be real with yourself and with others. It is damaging to make little of something with your words that is big to you in your heart. Sarcasm is not the answer to overcome your insecurities.

Matthew 15 says that the words that come out of our mouths are an overflow from the condition our hearts. I want to start noticing and treating the cause of my words. If we start to believe the state of our hearts, then we can start to make some solid changes toward a beautiful, less bitter life.

“But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.” Matthew 15:18 – MSG