About a week ago, I was laying in my bed, scrolling through social media (as you do) and a realization hit me. I was being asked to do absolutely everything that scares me. For me, it is the simple daily tasks that come with life that get me all shaky. From ordering Starbucks alone to grabbing food with someone, anyone. From going somewhere unfamiliar to speaking up in most situations. I was successfully avoiding all of these things, just coasting around when all of the sudden, I was being asked to do it all and the weirdest thing--I was saying yes.
I am not a yes person. I have never struggled with saying no. Whenever my school would hold those seminars about fighting peer pressure and saying no, I could never recall a time where I had a hard time saying no. That was and still is a good thing. However, I spent so much time knowing I never had trouble saying no, I didn't realize I never said yes. All of the sudden, I was in the middle of college and somehow, saying yes to most of the things that make me uncomfortable.
I joined a club before I was guaranteed a friend to go with. I have had meetings and shared meals with complete strangers multiple times in the past two weeks. I have ordered salad and coffee by myself. I have driven to a place I've never been to before and refrained from freaking out when a time crunch presented itself. I have had to talk about myself a lot, more than I am comfortable with. I confronted a person of authority. I had to ask for help and reach out in places I am not used to reaching out in. These are all small things to other people I am sure, but these are the things that make my world come crumbling down...usually.
Another realization occurred to me as well. I hadn't freaked out. I had done all of this and come out with new friends, great experiences, and exciting adventures to come. I hadn't felt like my world was crashing. I felt alive and okay and like myself. Maybe it's because I kept saying yes before I changed my mind and said no. Maybe it's me finding my value in someone much better than this messed up world. Maybe it's me growing way too tired of letting these tiny things stop me. Whatever it is though, I really think it is due time I leave my social anxiety in the past. Funny how so much can happen in your life before your brain even comprehends it. At some point, in this messy compilation of all my fears, I decided to take them by the hand, nod my head, and keep walking. I learned how to bloom in the environment I was given. Even when my mind makes it as hard to grow as flowers in the winter, I learned how to open up. Suddenly, I'm evergreen and I am enjoying every second of it.
I don't think being fearless is having the absence of fear, I think it is more being scared and moving forward anyways.