All I know is that I know nothing. And I specifically know nothing about what it takes to attain and maintain a romantic relationship. My struggle is not uncommon because I have found that many of my beautiful, smart, and hilarious friends haven’t had significant others either. Sure, many of us have had people we’ve “talked” to but, aside from that being the most frustrating and idiotic term on earth, these couples never flourished into fully committed, Facebook official relationships. We, perpetually single people, usually site independence and an excess of other commitments to even consider the addition of a person who requires so much attention. Sure it would be nice to have someone who cares about me and who I can kiss whenever I want but I could also buy a puppy and that’s pretty much the same thing. A dog would never get mad at me for stealing his sweatshirts or for laughing at his embarrassing pictures.
There are a few things that happen when you turn 20 and you realize you may have missed the window for learning what it takes to be a good girlfriend. Most people have those awkward first dates and test those murky waters in high school or middle school. But not me, like most things in life, I’ve procrastinated. I realize that I have no idea what the protocol is for texting/calling a boyfriend. How do I know if I’m being clingy? What do I buy a boyfriend for a birthday or Christmas? How the hell does Valentine’s Day work if I’m not wallowing in my singleness??? I realize that I may know a lot about applying for college and the plot line of Game of Thrones but I really don’t know how to be anything but independent. I then wonder if there comes a time when I’ve been single for so long that I don’t really know how to include another person into the equation.
The scariest realization of this quarter-life crisis is that the problem is probably you. People for thousands of years have found their special person with relative ease, it is a natural human instinct to find a mate or a partner. So why is it so hard? Maybe we’re victims of the hookup culture which encourages physical closeness but perpetuates a fear of true intimacy. Maybe the determination to work hard, get good grades, and make it into a top-notch university took the place and time for relationships. Maybe those “almost boyfriends” made you distrustful and guarded. Maybe you’re just not pretty or charming or funny enough for mutual affection. Maybe you spend too much time watching Gossip Girl in bed and writing about how hard it is to find a boyfriend.
When I’ve asked (whined to) my friends about how they managed to get boy/girlfriends the most common answer is that “it just happened” and “you won’t expect it.” My first issue with these answers is that they are utter bullsh*t. I literally have never expected a relationship and here I still stand. Second, it cannot “just happen,” you don’t wake up one day and accidentally have a boyfriend. It’s almost like all these couples have a secret club and the rest of us don’t have the password. It’s like they all know about the VIP line at Feve and the rest of us are ignorant freshmen in the other line waiting to get turned away.
My mother is always reminding me to take care of myself and that she just wants me to be happy. Aside from the ulterior motive of these comments, I usually believe her. I know she wants me to do well in school and be successful but she also wants me to have a boyfriend as ASAP as possible. The problem is that I don’t define my happiness by my number of suitors. I actually define my happiness by how many glasses of wine I’ve had. In all seriousness, I think I am a generally happy person and I gain pride and fulfillment in the work I do for school. While my goals in life do not necessarily include a partner, it would definitely be nice to have a person to depend on. It would also be nice to not be simultaneously disgusted and heart-warmed by affectionate couples in public.
*If interested in an adorably cynical blonde living 5000 miles from South Bend please direct all inquiries to her Twitter DMs*
