To The Boy Who Cheated,

I know that most letters start out with "Dear ____", but this one will be a tad bit different. I know that I have openly cursed you out before, in person and over text. I know that I have gotten some of my anger out by slapping you one good time across the face. I know that I am still hurting.

Although I have cursed you out, I have not yet gotten the courage to express my inner feelings to you. My thoughts of this moment have grown into a garden, and the memories of you are the seeds. Except, this garden is full of weeds.

I get constant flashbacks of the things I do not want to remember - good and bad.

Regardless of the cruelty I have received from you, I remember how hard I fell. Eventually, I discovered that I did not fall onto a blanket of soft pillows. I fell face first off of a fifty story building onto despair.

It is insane how wrong you can be about a person. So wrong that I now sleep the day away because you were my only reason to wake up. I was so consumed in you and our love. My heart relied on you. I gave it to you as a gift and it turned out being a curse. The worst mistake I could have made was trusting you in general, never mind with my heart.

When I found out, when your mouth released those words, I felt as though my body was screaming but no one could hear. I felt as though no amount of water could put out this flame I felt in my chest.

After I found out, I felt alive physically, but mentally I was a corpse. Everything I once knew became a lie in a matter of seconds. I could no longer see the good in myself. The little confidence I did manage to muster up, vanished. I stared at my naked body in the mirror every morning with disgust. No amount of assurance or compliments would change my one track mind. The refusal of help from the ones who did love me, led them to believe I was hopeless.

Now alone, I fall deeper into the pit of sadness by the day. Even when the sun would break free of the chains of night, I was absorbed in my darkness.

Suddenly, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. It was in the shape of a man. He stood tall and beautiful in front of me. He was my savior, but right in front of my face. I was silently sipping my latte in the nearest Starbucks. I often went there to study and we noticed each other, but neither of us approached one another... until that day.

The smile on his face illuminated all the darkness that surrounded my soul. Long story short, we fell in a bed of flowers. We danced in the rain. We joined hands and smiled genuine smiles.

You would think I would be over your unexcuseable actions, right? False. As soon as our hearts love tapped each other I went into a state of panic. My body refused his touch. My smile faded and rejected his. My hands no longer craved the feel of his hair through my hands. Conversations in person became dry text messages. Arguments just became phone calls. Understandings became accusations. He noticed, quicker than I would like to admit. As quick as he noticed, I lost him. My savior who stood in front of me, left.

All because of you.

You tortured my heart. You played with my emotions like they were a deck of cards being passed around the table of infidelity.

When I first met you, you were perfect. You may not have been perfect to everybody, but you were just amazing. The way you smiled and talked and thought and looked just... everything amazed me. All I wanted was you. It was exciting to find parts of myself in you.

Now I lay in my bed in the dark and pretend everything is okay. The world no longer makes sense so I now refuse to paint pictures that do. It is the silence that now comforts my soul, no longer your touch.

I cannot fully explain my love for you, and I will not even try.

I can be labeled as a pistanthrophobiac. In case you are not familiar with that term, it means the fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad. This is what you have made me.

You cheated on me. You decided someone else was worth the fight. You decided that my feelings no longer mattered. And for that I despise you.

But God, do I still love you.

Yours truly,

The girl you decided was not good enough.