To The Boy Who Wasn't Ready For Me, Thank You

To The Boy Who Wasn't Ready For Me, Thank You

I still call you a boy because I have yet to see you become a man.
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Thank you. I truly and genuinely mean that. Thank you for teaching me more about myself than anyone else ever has.

At the blind eyed, hopeful age of 19, you were the first boy I ever truly began to fall in love with. You were handsome, witty and could actually hold an intelligent conversation seemingly unlike most other boys that age. For a long time, I really thought you were perfect. Now two years later, through all of our ups and downs, older and wiser I can finally see our relationship for what it really was; misplaced hope and a source of security.

I wanted you to be my Prince Charming, the start of my happily ever after. You wanted and needed someone there to make sure you feel better and keep you from feeling like you were all alone. Ultimately, it didn't work.

Let me make this clear, I don't hate you. I don't think I could ever hate you even if I tried. You have this uncanny ability to make everyone around you laugh and smile, even if you were the reason they were frustrated in the first place. You're much smarter than you give yourself credit for and you're that person people want to call when there's an emergency. Even though you'll try to disagree you just have this way of making almost everyone you ever meet fall in love with you. (Trust me, I know this one from personal experience.)

Sure, you weren't without your flaws. You can be rude, hurtful, unattached, unemotional and self-centered at times. But at least you know this, I mean it's practically the whole reason you ended things anyway.

You weren't ready.

You needed to be on your own first.

You had to figure out who you were and who you wanted to be as a man.

After every single thing we had been through together, after I was the one to pick up the pieces and help stitch you back together time after time, after I saw your potential and pushed you to be the man I knew you could be, after every single little thing I let you put me through for so long, you still weren't ready.

You weren't cruel, you tried to make things easy on me. You said you'd always be there, that you'd always care, that we could still be friends. You didn't promise too much but before you walked out the door the last time you said: "Maybe down the road we'll find our way back here."

Maybe.

But I can't wait around for maybe. I can't keep waiting for you to get your shit together. I can't put my whole life on hold for someone who isn't putting in the same amount of caring and effort that I am because that isn't fair to me. And for making me realize that, thank you.

Thank you for showing me exactly what I want; someone who cares about me the way I care about them. Thank you for showing me what an equal relationship doesn't look like and the red flags I should look out for. Without even knowing it you helped me realize my own self-worth and what I truly deserve. Thank you.

Who knows, maybe you're right, maybe years down the line we will find our way back together. If not, I hope over time you grow into a man you truly are proud of being. I hope you find out who you really are and are happy with that the way you should be. I hope one day the absolute most perfect girl in the world comes along for you. I hope she sees you past your flaws and your past and loves you despite them. I hope she can be everything for you that you need, the woman that I so desperately used to want to be but ultimately couldn't. And more importantly, I hope you love her with everything you have and that you'll finally be ready for her.

Wishing you nothing but the best,

the woman who couldn't wait for you any longer.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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Dear ML

But you should have known
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I should have known when you would get angry with me when I would lock the car doors.

I should known when you hid me from the world for 6 months because you didn’t want to be seen with me whether you admit it or not.

I should have known when I was embarrassed when I made a mistake because once again, whether you admit it or not, you were laughing at me. I suck at pool and instead of wanting to help me, you laughed and told all of your friends that you didn’t want me on your team because i sucked. You put your ego and need to be “cool” and I was further isolated from you.

I should have known when you refused to want to talk to me on my bad days when i didn’t know who i even was because it was too much and reminded you of her.

I should have known when you ditched me for your friends, gave up our alone time to see them and all the times you knew i didn’t want to be out til late or the times I was not in the mood to see anyone else but you, and still ended up with you and your 5 friends in a cold basement where you sat as far from me as possible.

I should have known when you had a “girl friend” sleepover your house when your parents were away and once again, whether you admit it or not, something more happened.

I should have known when your actions pushed me towards someone who values me more than you.

There were so many signs that I ignored because for once, i let my guard down. I loved you blindly and never saw the little things that I never knew mattered til I was sitting in his car in his friend’s driveway when he said “if you feel awkward, we’ll leave right away” or how he always introduces me as his girlfriend to people who might already know. You’ve harbored so much anger to me and calling me a cheater when you refuse to accept the fact that it was your actions since the day we met that always stayed with me.

You're mad at me for being happy. You're mad because you can't see the fact that you pushed me away. You're mad because you know deep down that you should have known how much love i had in my heart and now you're the one who's bitter and alone.

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Thank-You For Breaking My Heart

You find that you have lost yourself because you gave too much of yourself to someone else
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Relationships come and go, but your first heartbreak will always lay dormant within you until you learn how to deal with a broken heart and mend the pieces back together. First loves are something special. You find that your walls have decayed, you become vulnerable, you get butterflies every time you see this person’s face and you finally come to realize what love really feels like. It feels like a heavy weight on your heart screaming through your chest because deep down you know that this person is going to eventually hurt you.

Nothing lasts forever, that’s inevitable. But being in college and meeting that one person you instantly connect with will make you feel so lucky because how did you manage to find that one person out of a sea of college students? Maybe it is fate, maybe everything is supposed to happen for a reason because without heartbreak and hardships how will one ever grow?

You begin to see this person every day, begin dating and rush into a relationship. A few months go by and you come to see that this person has flaws, but you soon begin to fall in love with their flaws because it makes them who they are. After accepting their flaws and spending every single second of the day with them, they do something to crack your heart, but not fully break it. They cut things off.

Once they realize that they have made a mistake and the relationship was the only strong aspect they said they had in their life, you take them back. A little inch of your decaying wall goes back up. A few weeks go by and everything goes back to normal, the cut off is forgotten but you soon become obsessive and rely on one person to make you happy.

You see yourself becoming someone you are not. You accept that you love this person because you have come to the conclusion that you would take a bullet for them. You would take away all of their pain just so they do not have to suffer one bit. That is when the weight becomes too heavy on your heart. Sooner or later, spending time apart with friends becomes a good thing. Space is needed, yet all of the attention that was focused on you dies down a little bit. That college party phase emerges and you think that you need your significant other more than they need you.

Communication becomes impossible and you feel as if you can read your partner so well, yet they cannot read you. You know that you have worked things out in the past, but that heavy weight on your heart tells you otherwise. Once that happiness dies out and the small things they did for you begin to outweigh the big things, what’s the point any more. You find that you have lost yourself because you gave too much of yourself to someone else. You break things off before they do because the direction you were going in was a bunch of circles. You cry and cry and replay the amazing memories you two shared, remembering that you were the one who ended it all, but if you had waited, the pain would have been worse. You thank yourself for getting out of something that was not going anywhere. You thank yourself for breaking your own heart.
Cover Image Credit: pexels

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