I’ve been living in the US for almost four years now.
I know that’s not a very long time, but these are the most crucial years where I grew from a wide-eyed 17-year-old teenager to a strong-willed 21-year-old young woman. True, I was born and raised in China, but I cannot deny that I really “grew up” in the US. My thoughts, aspirations, values and even styles have completely changed.
Often, I feel trapped in between. I understand the tradition of my birth country, because that's my root. Meanwhile, I'm so afraid to admit that I feel more aligned with what I’ve learned and lived in the US, because I'd be called a "traitor" for "forgetting my root." Inter-gender relationship is such a thorny issue that caught me in between two different sets of cultural morals.
I’m now on the plane going to the Big Island of Hawaii to visit a guy friend L, who has been the big brother I’ve never had to me – enduring my “ruthless” pranks all the while non-stop loving on me. Growing up as an only-child, I treasure this friendship very much. L and I, as close as we are, we don’t want to date each other (who’d want to date their brother/sister?!).
Yet, my mother doesn’t think so.
My mom is, more or less, a stereotypical Chinese mother. She holds very traditional and conservative morals, even though she was brave enough to send her only child oversea for college. Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother and she is open to ideas in certain ways.
For example, when no one else in my family had ever even attended college, my mother went against the more familiar and traditional way of education (i.e. making me take college entrance test with billions of other Chinese students) and allowed me to make my own educational choices (i.e. go abroad for college) all those years ago.
Without her support, I would’ve never even end up in Los Angeles for college. I must applaud her for taking that leap of faith with me, when she doesn’t even understand English.
However, when it comes to more intimate topics, like friendships and sexuality, my mother is incredibly conservative. While waiting for the flight to Hawaii, I told my mom my Spring Break plan – going to Hawaii by myself to visit my guy friend L.
“Just the two of you?” My mom asked.
“Yes.” I answered, as my stomach dropped. I know where this conversation is going.
“How can you do this?! He’s a guy. Do you not remember what I told you about maintaining your reputation as a girl?”
“What are you talking about? We’re just friends.”
“You don’t know what he thinks you are.”
“I’m absolutely sure he thinks I’m a friend, too. Plus, time has changed, mom. Guys and girls can be just friends, ok?”
“No matter how much time has changed, you still have to have a moral bottom line! Even if you’re not interested in each other now, when you’re in the same room, who knows what’s going to happen?”
I totally understand where my mom’s coming from. I’ve gone back to China for breaks over the past four years and noticed how different Chinese and American cultures are. While me and my American girl roommates are totally comfortable with hanging out with boys at midnight in our house, the Chinese girlfriend I grew up with blushes even at the mentioning of her boyfriend.
My American friends would not hesitate to give huge bear hugs to friends of the opposite sex, while my Chinese guy friends literally froze and didn’t know what to do when I gave them hugs. Of course, I’m aware of diversities within each culture and my simplifying the two cultures here due to the length of this article. Still, American culture is much more comfortable with intimacy in general than Chinese culture.
Growing up I’ve always been a tomboy and have more guy friends than girlfriends. I still remember, one day in middle school, my mom (tried very hard to appear to) “casually” asked me, “do you think your guy friends maybe ‘like’ you? Maybe you should be more careful when hanging out with them. You’re a girl. You need to protect your reputation.”
What horrified me even more was when my mother asked me about my high school mentor, who happened to be a young man, “That mentor of yours, are you sure he’s just your mentor? Nothing else?” (What the what? MOM?!) In other words: it’s not right to be too close with boys. If you’re close with boys, there must be more than “friendship” going on. If you’re that “close” with many boys, you’re not a “clean” girl.
I understand that my mom is worried about me getting hurt, but I don’t think this way of thinking serves me anymore. Some of my closest friends are guys and I treasure our friendships very much. I’ve learned in the past four years to express my love for my friends with hugs and words (i.e. I love you), even if they are of the opposite sex.
Meanwhile, I’ve also learned to maintain my distance from the opposite gender while I’m China, because “people talk”, according to my mom.
But, if you know me, you know one of my top love languages is physical touch.
I love giving people solid hugs to express and receive love. Forcing myself to not do it, because in traditional Chinese culture physical touch crossed the “bottom line” of inter-gender relationships, makes me feel trapped and deprived.
On top of that, such moral of maintaining distance from boys, while seemingly protecting girls, actually strips girls of power to choose. Only boys can choose to be friends with girls they are not interested in?
I cannot choose to be friends with boys because they may be interested in me? Boys only want to be my friends because I’m a girl, not because I’m funny, witty, dorky, and me? Girls are always vulnerable and can’t be strong and smart enough to protect ourselves? Boys are just so weak that they’re always sexually attracted to girls? Are we humans or just sexual organs?
Maybe, it's time I don't categorize myself as Chinese or Americanized Chinese. Maybe, it’s time to write my own bottom line rules.
Yes, I will continue being friends with guys. I will continue giving them my signature bear hugs. I will continue telling them I love them. I do these, not despite them being boys, but because they are my friends (aka. Human beings I enjoy sharing my time with). Yes, I might have some alone time with L during this trip. So what?
Bottom line? Our hearts are in the right place. We have mutual respect for each other. We value each other as human beings. That’s what friendship is about, regardless of whether you both have boobs or not.
