In public I tend to say, "I don't give a crap if someone hates me or doesn't like me. I don't live for them." While I believe that, I never take the time to think about whether or not I like myself. I used to look in the mirror and I think, "I am fat," or, " I am overweight." I would constantly wonder if people were looking at me and thinking, "Oh, she is a fat cow." Most of the time, I would brush off those negative thoughts and honestly did not give a crap, but there were times when I didn't. If I thought I looked fat in a certain article of clothing, I would change until I was happy or until I realized I was not going to look any better. Then there were times when I felt fantastic and I flaunted what I had. I've never really tried to lose weight or to slim down my shape, so maybe deep down I am really happy or content with myself. Honestly, I think I grew tired of thinking of myself negatively.

I've learned in the past that when you have all these negative thoughts about yourself, they start manifesting in your mind. It lead to me thinking I was never going to be good enough. I was never going to be thin. I was never going to be pretty or beautiful. I thought wearing baggy clothing would make me appear thinner and more likable. Those negative thoughts were poison. It was enough poison for me to become seriously depressed. I was so depressed that I thought I was a bad daughter. I could never make my parents proud. I thought that no guy would want to be with me because I didn't deserve to be loved. I thought so negatively of myself that I contemplated suicide. I never tried to kill myself, but I thought about it. I would think how easy it would be to do. Yes, it was easy for me to think about it, but so damn hard to actually put those thoughts into action.

Eventually, I gained the courage to tell someone about my depression. I went to counseling and I realized what truly made me feel this way. This is why what you think of yourself matters. It can poison your mind or it can make you grow into a better human being. I want to help people. That has always been a goal of mine. How would I help people if I were dead? If I had stopped fighting? The battle is not over. It is still going on for many people. If you feel like you are depressed or are having thoughts of suicide, I encourage you to tell someone. Find help. You matter, your life matters, and what you think of yourself matters.