Body dysmorphia: "the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it."
The thought of even being a pound over what I feel that I need to be scares me so much.
It's been months since I last weighed myself and as far as I know, I am overweight.
Despite knowing that I am however not overweight my brain tells me otherwise.
If only I could take a pair of scissors and cut all of the fat off of my body, maybe then I would feel better about myself.
I cry to myself all of the time about how I wish I could just be happy with who I am.
I work out and then as I near the end tears start welling up.
My mind races as I look in the mirror and realize just how little progress I am making.
Every second of every day I feel disgusted with my body, with how uncomfortable I feel.
It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that I am perfect and skinny and beautiful because my brain is not going to believe it.
I am my own worst enemy and I can’t stop these racing thoughts I have about my imperfect body.
I am constantly comparing myself to others, thinking that I will never be skinny enough and I will never be good enough.
When I walk I can feel my legs and stomach moving under me and that is the worst part.
As I sit there is always a small amount of skin collecting near my stomach and it makes me feel like the heaviest person I could possibly be.
I just wish I felt comfortable in my own skin but instead I feel so lost and terrible.
Why can't I have a thigh gap or a flat stomach or a perfect body?
I am stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-hatred and doubt.
Not a day has gone by in the last 8 years that I haven’t analyzed my body for marks and fat and imperfections.
When going through my teenage years I would eat a total of around 800 calories a day. I used to count.
My family would always check to make sure I had eaten enough and I would always say yes even if it wasn't true.
I’ve gone through life with this demon inside of my brain messing with me and making me feel worthless.
I just wish it would stop.
If my body is a temple then why do i feel like a stranger in my own skin?
