For Bluebird

The fact that you will probably never read this makes it easier on me, but should this ever find its way to you the first thing I would want to know is who on earth got you to read this? Who handed you the phone, tablet, laptop, sent you this letter by message, or whatever and told you that you needed to read this? That’s my first question, and that will probably be the easiest to answer. After that any other questions I have from back when we knew each other better than the rest of our friends become more of a grey area, because it’s not just your thoughts or my thoughts. It’s the both of our thoughts and even the part of our time together than either of us can remember.

So why ask? Why ask questions that probably can’t be answered? Why even write a letter you more than likely won’t see? Well, I don’t really know why. It helps, I guess. It helps me think, it helps me remember my past so I know what I’m doing now, and honestly I like writing about you, about us. It’s one heck of a drama. I just hope someone who reads this doesn’t make the same mistakes.

I honestly thought this would be easy to write, but trying to use reason over my emotion has never been easy for me. When it comes to you, my emotions make me an awful person (I never said I was going to be nice right?), but I don’t want to do this today. I don’t want to feel angry, sad, or some other third thing about everything between us, so I guess we’ll see how this goes.

I guess you could say we were never really friends. We met at an odd point, the end of the school year, and to be honest I didn’t like you all that much. I’ll also have to add that I didn’t like you because my friends didn’t like you. From what they said you weren’t very nice, so that was that for me. Summer came and all memory of who you were left my mind because you weren’t that important at the time. And that okay, because once school started up again you went from one side of the scale of importance to the other in what feels like an instant.

I liked you a lot, there's no other way to describe it. You were funny, sweet, and a mystery I felt the need to pursue. We fell for each other, and dared to say we were in love. You treated me differently, it was something that I didn’t, and sometimes still don’t, understand. The looks you would give me were so full of love that I myself began to wonder if I looked at you the same way. Did I look at you the same way? I hope I did. I hope you know you made me feel happy.

Our love was built from hiding. Hiding ourselves from everyone who may have not approved of us, hiding any negative feelings from each other, and eventually arguing over the smallest, most unnecessary things we could imagine. I’ll take fault for that, and I consider this the reason why any friend who comes to me with a relationship problem is immediately given a “communication is key” speech. We didn’t know how to talk to each other. Why wouldn’t you ever tell me what was wrong?

We had habits of becoming possessive of one another. It sounds a little weird to say it like that, but for lack of a better word that’s what it was. Possessive. Sure there were other people between the both of us, and that was perhaps part of the problem. There was never a time where I wasn’t yours, or where you weren’t mine. It led to dramatic episodes I refuse to write. Just let it be said that we had a way of turning the other into people we were not.

It wasn’t all bad though. I sometimes only think that because I chose not to see you as a good piece of my small life here on earth. You’re a good memory. There were a lot of laughs, hugs, smiles that were so wide I worried our jaws would break from being this happy. There was this time after school where we both stayed for an event, and though it was more for me you came anyway. We took pictures, listened to music, and just had an all around good time. At least, I had a good time. Were you happy? Am I a good memory? It’s okay if I’m not. In fact I’d understand if I wasn’t, no judging there. You weren’t a good memory for a long time… a very long time.

Sometimes I wonder if we met too soon. I already said I didn’t fully understand the way we were, and sometimes I think if it was due to the fact that we weren’t supposed to me that day, at that place, at that school. I wonder if we had met later would it still have ended as it had before? I feel certain it wouldn’t have last to today, but at the same time there is always doubt that comes when I think about things like this. Sometimes I think we could still be friends, but then I remember we had tried that and obviously failed. After all, we weren’t friends to begin with.

So now I’ve come full circle, after all this time I still feel like that grand idea of closure isn’t possible. I don’t know why. Maybe our story isn’t exactly over yet. Maybe we’ll cross paths again another time. I’ll probably never know, but that’s okay. Unanswered questions are what keep me sane.

That’s my letter to you Bluejay. You’re the first one written, but certainly not the last.

Wishing you well,


Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Founders Of Color Q&A: Yarlap's MaryEllen Reider On Destigmatizing Women's Health

The father-daughter duo co-founded the brand and has since generated a passionate, dedicated community of women.

MaryEllen Reider

I was lucky enough to meet MaryEllen Reider over a decade ago as a fellow freshman in college. Since then, I had the luxury of being able to witness her evolution from the faithful companion I went to my first job fair with to the woman who is now a pioneer in destigmatizing the portrayal of women's reproductive health.

Keep Reading... Show less

My favorite Editor was feeling under the weather yesterday. All I wanted was to make her a vegan iced matcha latte. With distance forbidding it, I instead decided to write up this quick, easy recipe. I made it to be vegan and organic for optimal health benefits.

Matcha green tea is made from grounded green tea leaf and it comes with the most antioxidant boost ever.

Keep Reading... Show less

This coffee brand is USDA organic. Newman's Own Keurig coffee flavors are all organic. They have French Roast, Decaf, and a Special Blend. I'm in a committed relationship with the French Roast flavor. The smell alone from dispensing 1 cup of coffee sets a whole cafe jazz vibe.

I'm already relaxed when I smell the coffee all ready for dressing. The way I make my coffee is simple and sweet, literally. I add a spoon of organic brown sugar and a splash of organic almond vanilla milk. This cup of coffee has changed my life forever. I have never been so productive in my life and I truly believe it's because the coffee is organic.

Keep Reading... Show less

These organic, cruelty-free skincare products are great for hot, sweaty summers. I use them every day, so you will find my honest opinion about them all. I highly recommend using organic products because they are least likely to be harmful to your body.

This may seem like an extra step when it comes to your beauty routine, but it's really easy. These 5 products could be the start of your next beauty venture.

Keep Reading... Show less

These 5 Black Handbag Designers Should Be On Every Accessory Lover's Radar

With the push to support more Black-owned businesses, we've put together a list of Black owned handbag designers.

Ever since the current upheaval of societal silence happening in the country caused by the #BlackLivesMatter movement, there has been a bigger push for people to support Black-owned businesses.

Granted, there are a lot fo Black-owned businesses to support, it just takes time to find them. With that being said, fashion is a sector, just like any sector really, in a culture that still has people of color calling out for more diversity.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Feel A Lil' Better: Because Therapy Dogs Aren't Just Cute, They're Working

Your weekly wellness boost from Odyssey.

No matter how good (or bad) you'd describe your health, one thing is for sure: a little boost is ALWAYS a good idea. Whether that's reading a new, motivating book, or listening to a song that speaks to your soul, there are plenty of resources to help your health thrive on any given day.

There are many different ways people overcome obstacles in their lives. Thankfully, the stigma surrounding therapy is slowly (but surely) slipping away and we're opening up about our problems and needs. For some, a good workout is just as relaxing. Others are learning how meditation can be a helpful tool in their mental health journey.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments