A Black Friday Shopping Guide As Told By South Park

A Black Friday Shopping Guide As Told By South Park

Everything you need to know for a flawless Black Friday Experience

Black Friday is right around the corner and that means utter chaos. That’s why I made this nice, little guide to help you out.

1. The earlier the better.

Make sure to leave dinner early to stand in lines. In fact, skip Thanksgiving dinner altogether. That sale on that flat screen TV that will probably be on a better sale in January, but you want it now, is more important. Plus, there will be leftovers the next day.

2. You're on your own.

When the doors open, make sure to push everyone in front of you. Those people don’t deserve the sale on Victoria Secret bras and undies. Every man for themselves even if that includes trampling people to the death.

3. Get it all.

Grab everything in sight. Doesn’t matter if you don’t need monogrammed napkin holders or that automatic knife that can cut through anything. It’s on sale. And there is no other sale except Black Friday.

4. It's war.

Be ready to fight for your stuff. If there’s one more iPhone X left and it’s between me and you? Be ready to go down.

5. Coffee stop.

After the first mall stop. Be sure to stop at Starbucks for a coffee break. The line may be wrapped around the mall three times, but it’s coffee… from Starbucks. So it’s justified. Plus, the waiting is good practice for next year’s Black Friday.

6. Charge it.

Be sure to charge every purchase to your credit card. I mean, it’s basically free money! You don’t even have to pay it off right away. Just keep on swiping and swiping and swiping! By the time you pay it all, you’ll be ready for the next Black Friday. #CommonSense #Duh

7. Speeding is okay on Black Friday.

While driving to each store/mall, be sure to go as fast as you can. Every car is another person that could be beating you to the last Kate Spade purse in the world. Don’t let them. Do whatever it takes. Don’t even stop for cops; they’ll understand. And if you crash, don’t worry, you can just buy a new one. It is Black Friday after all.

8. Keep on and carry all those bags.

Don’t stop at 2 A.M. That’s for babies. If you’re tired, then drink a red bull or go for coffee. That five-hour energy works wonders too. Caffeine pills too. Or better yet, mix it all together for one, huge, wake up call.

9. Leave the slowpokes.

If your companion is tired. Leave them. Ditch them. Toss them to the wolves. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

10. Show off. And there you have it! Use this, and it will for sure, make your shopping experience much easier. Not to mention, you'll get all your Christmas shopping down. Enjoy!

Cover Image Credit: South Park

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13 Summer Struggles Only Thick Girls Understand

Chaffing. So much chaffing.

Summer is a lovely time. A time of cookouts, swimming and sunny weather. But if you're a " thick girl," summer sometimes brings more unpleasantries than it does for slimmer women. No matter how beautiful and confident you are in your body, it can bring some struggles.

1. The living hell that is shorts shopping

Step 1: Find the biggest size the store has.

Step 2: (If you can even get those on): Realize your stomach is being squeezed into the top, your butt is falling out of the back and your thighs are having the life squished out of them.

Step 3: Realize why winter isn't so bad.

2. And dealing with them even after finding a pair that "fits"

Nothing like taking a pair of shorts home you remember fitting you okay in the store and then walking for 45 seconds and pulling them out of your butt or crotch 17 times. Truly a magical experience.

3. And every bathing suit you try on shows more skin than you'd planned

Even the most conservative bathing suit turns into cleavage-city and a non-cheeky set of bottoms turns into a thong. I promise, older people glaring at me in my sexual bathing suit, I didn't mean for this to happen!

4. Chaffing. So much chaffing

No better feeling than 4 minutes into wearing short shorts realizing that your inner thighs are literally tearing themselves apart. Body Glide and baby powder are a thick girl's #1 necessity.

5. Loving rompers. Rompers not loving you.

Rompers are made with short and skinny girls in mind. Heaven forbid you're not short, and heaven forbid you're not skinny. Rompers are like a mystical article of clothing that, no matter what, always just barely doesn't fit.

6. Imagining wearing a sundress with a strapless bra and just laughing

Of course, not all thick girls are well-endowed in the boob department, but if you are, you understand how hilarious the thought of you wearing a strapless bra truly is.

7. And bralettes are a thing of fantasy

Once again, bralettes are designed for a very specific body type. One that I do not fall into.

8. Feeling like you need to constantly defend yourself for dressing like you want to

There are so many posts and tweets and just general ideals that people have that certain sized women can't wear certain clothing. You shouldn't feel the need to defend yourself for wearing a cute crop top or a bikini, but you will.

9. And always feeling looked at when you're rocking your swim suit

Yes, I see your judging eyes, and yes, they are making me feel like shit. It doesn't matter how confident you are in your body, people looking at you like you just killed somebody just because you're wearing something typically made for smaller women doesn't make you feel good.

10. Did I mention chaffing?

I just felt like something so horrible couldn't just be mentioned once.

11. Online shopping for cute summer outfits and then none of them fitting you correctly

There's always the dreaded "one size fits all" for plus-sized women. As if there's just one way to be plus-sized. No matter how much they promise online that it'll fit well, it won't.

12. Seeing tiny girls complaining about losing their "summer bodies"

So many tweets talking about choosing food over a summer body. So many profile pictures of traditionally skinny women. I'm not saying that thick girls are the only ones who can complain about their summer bodies, and thick girls do not have a monopoly one not feeling confident in their bodies. But it is hard to see those posts knowing that those women would be glorified in their swimwear while you'd be gawked at.

13. The "you go girl!" comments on your oh-so-brave bikini photos

Compliments are nice, and positive comments while wearing a bikini go a long way. But the dreaded "you go girl" comment just seems so condescending. Just treat me like anyone else you'd see wearing a bikini. I promise, I'd like to feel like that.

Cover Image Credit: Sara Petty

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10 Times I Love Returning Home To Suburbia Maryland

What are yours?

During the summer I temporarily part ways with the concrete jungle of NYC and return to my home childhood home in Maryland for a few months. I miss the Big Apple dearly during this break, but there are a few little things I can only do in suburbia, that I don't have the ability to enjoy when I'm back the city.

1. Driving

There's something invigoration about driving your own car and not having to depend on the subway or an Uber to get around town.

2. Friends

I'm really blessed that I have so many good friends at home. I miss them all A LOT during the school year, so it's nice that I'm able to come back and pick up exactly where we left off.

3. My queen-sized bed

I think this one is self-explanatory.

4. Drivethru

This goes along with driving, but I LOVE being able to order a McFlurry and fries from the comfort of my own car.

5. Movies (with reclining seats)

The average movie ticket costs about $17 in New York, which gains you access to a packed theater with tiny seats. In Maryland, $12 gains you access to a movie theater with seats that recline to the point that you are laying almost horizontal, for an optimal viewing experience.

6. Nature

I'm not even the outdoor type, but it's so nice walking outside and seeing actual green grass and trees without having to ride the train half an hour to Central Park.

7. Wild Life

This might just be because I live near the woods, but I see all type of wild animals on the daily. Most of the time its deer, but I also sometimes get glimpses of bunnies, fox, squirrels, birds of all sorts and horses occasionally.

8. Baths

I don't trust dorm bathtubs so there's something about coming home to all my bath bombs and shower jellies to taking a nice relaxing bath.

9. Annoying my baby brother

Okay, well, he's, like, 14 now, but still messing with him (out of love) is one of the best things ever.

10. My parents

I wish I could go back in time and tell my high school self to spend more time with my parents because they're really amazing people and they're probably the biggest thing I miss when I'm at school.

Cover Image Credit: Tessa Dobrow

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