I was starting to think that it was me. You made me feel like I had to fix myself; become less alive;become less emotional to be with you.

I was confused because at first we had a connection, and I couldn't have been the only one to feel it. When you hugged me I felt safe, and when we kissed I felt like a thousand butterflies were being born in the light of our touch. When you came over to watch movies, I knew that I wouldn't mind spending most of my time with you. We were compatible.

I've been down this road before, so I had to ask the dreaded question. "What are your intentions?"

Don't get me wrong, I never questioned our chemistry, but when I bought you meals and let you use my car I felt like I deserved something more. I never asked for my money back, or for gas, because I thought spending time with you was well worth itt.

It started to get to a point in which you couldn't even stay after using me. You'd borrow my bike, kiss me on the forehead, and head out the door for a few hours. I didn't mind because I knew you were coming back. But when you came back, you did the same. You kissed my forehead, then my nose, and left. You even stopped responding to my texts in a timely manner; only when it benefited you.

Twenty or thirty minutes isn't that long compared to the two hour intervals that placed in between your responses. I didn't care though, because I knew that when the weekend came you'd be just a little more stress free, and a bit more available to laugh and joke with me.

The weekends came; all of them, and you never made time. Time to pop the question.

You said you didn't want a relationship and that you rocked with me because I rocked with you. What does that even mean?

Then, you asked me what my intentions were. I told you that I'm just going with the flow, but I've wasted far too much time on people who didn't really benefit me in any way. I said I wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship, but it was in the back of my mind because I didn't want all the time spent to be for nothing. I guess you thought that meant that I needed a relationship. I guess that scared you away,because you stopped texting me.

You would say good morning here and there, and speak when we passed each other in the hallway. But then that stopped too.

It's like you were avoiding me. Afraid I might trap you with commitment. You were wrong about my intentions. I just want consistency. The rest usually just falls together, or so I've heard.

Now, when I see you, I'm uncomfortable. Uncomfortable like when your sock slides down your heel and the canvas of your vans start rubbing your Achilles. Like when your sweating around your neck and go out in the cold without a jacket or scarf.

For about two weeks I've formulated way to reel you back in.

I thought: "Maybe it's my hair.."

I had two puffs the week before, when you started pushing me away. So I changed it to this short cut. I've heard it makes me look older. But you still didn't notice.

I thought: "Maybe it's my stomach.."

When we cuddled you pointed it out, but then said that it was ok. I didn't believe you, and core workouts won't transform anything overnight.

I thought: "Maybe I'm not doing enough.."

You told me that you were transferring, so I offered my assistance. I attempted to transfer once, so I knew the process. You said I could help by loaning you money because you didn't have any money, and you really wanted to smoke. This is when I realized that I had been doing too much for you.

It pissed me off when I realized that maybe you just weren't into me. As humans, we tend to think very highly of ourselves.

I thought: "I'm a great person. I have a kick-ass personality, I'm adorable, and have just enough awkwardness in the way I socialized. Not too much, not too little. I do for others without needing to receive anything in return. I put other before myself. I genuinely trust and care about most people I've come in contact with. How could he not want to be with me?"

A few days later, I had a eureka moment. It's not that I'm a horrible person, he's just not ready for all of my womanness (I made that word up. Feel free to use it, just don't forget where you got it from).

You were not ready to be with a person like me. You still have some growing to do.

The worst part about this whole situation is that you made me feel like I was inadequate. You made me feel like I wasn't worth your time, but you weren't worth mine. You made me doubt myself and all of the awesomeness I have to offer. I felt stupid for trying so hard to grab your attention.

I wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to never give more than what's necessary, especially if a person has not shown any loyalty.

Thank you for teaching me that assuming just make an ass out of you and me.

Thank you for teaching me that it's okay to put yourself first.

It's been rough trying to move forward, because I was genuinely attracted to you, to our connection, to our chemistry. I wanted us to be together so bad.

But I won't sacrifice my self-esteem and dignity for it.