Unless you’re the next Steve Carroll, and are the up and coming 40-year-old virgin, I’m sure there’s one person that sticks out in your mind when I mention the word, 'ex.' To me, the word ex is synonymous to other words such as: exams, going to the gym, not being able to eat McDonalds for every meal…hint, hint; I hate all those things. If you are reading this and are one of those bizarre humans who have a “good” relationship with your ex, leave. Go home, you’re making me uncomfortable with your “good” relationship of lies. For everyone else who has some trouble deciding how exactly to deal with certain situations involving your ex, I’ve got some advice for you.
Having a class with the enemy…I mean ex:
DO: Sit as far as possible, so you are not tempted to gaze upon their beautiful face. Sit in front of them, so they can gaze upon your beautiful assets that they probably long for. Smile politely if eye contact is made; many people in this life deserve your bitch face, but killing them with kindness will bode much better in this situation.
DON’T: Text them to “come over’ late night for homework help; no homework is going to be done, and either way you will wake up with some kind of regret. Don’t ask them to be your partner in a group project- y’all probably aren’t together, because you probably fought like dogs. You’re probably going to do the same over this project. Same also applies as above; you’ll probably wake up with some regrets about “working” late night on a project.
Seeing them in a bar:
DO: Smile, dance, laugh, take shots… even if you are having a miserable time and your friends forced you to come to the freshman bar because it’s $1 liquor night, and all you want to do is go home and order a pizza and watch desperate housewives; if your ex is there, you sure as hell better act like you’re having the greatest freakin' night of your life. Yeah bitch, I am having soooo much fun without you.
DON’T: Send them a shot/drink/beer- NO, just no. This is only going to send the message that you want them to be happy, and why on earth would you want that? (Half kidding). Also, DO NOT be that asshole ex who makes out with every random freshmen or pledge you can get your hands on in front of your ex!!! Trust me, I am all about making the enemy jealous, but like.. post a hot pic on Instagram or something. Kissing someone in front of your ex intentionally is such a low blow, and now you look like a douche. Get a room you savage.
Booty calls:
Do: Nothing. Literally block their number, block their Instagram so they can't slide into your DMs. Like by all means necessary, make it so they cannot booty call you, because I promise this does not mean they want you back, they are bored, and probably just want someone to make out with then will “politely” kick you out when they’re done with you. Don’t do this to yourself people!!!!
DON’T: I don’t know, maybe don’t be the ex doing the bootycalling? You’re just sending all sorts of weird, confusing messages and honestly, that’s not very nice. If you need someone to make out with, go out and find someone new, don’t create even more emotional baggage with your ex.
Their family
DO: I get it, when you get into a serious relationship that lasts awhile more often than not you create a pretty good relationship with the family. After things come crashing down for whatever reason, you might feel torn between wanting to move thousands of miles away to never see your P.O.S ex again and also wanting to still remain close to the family. My advice for this is if there’s a mutual desire to keep in contact, do so but on a very limited, positive basis. Sending little texts now and again is fine but don’t be blowing up the mom, or sister or brothers phone. Keep it short, sweet and to the point.
DON’T: I don’t know why people would ever do this, but I’ve heard they do so let's lay it out there; do not go to your ex's house to visit his family. Oh my god, you creepy, desperate weirdo!! That’ so uncomfortable for everyone involved, that house is like a fortress; you’re only allowed in if actually dating the dragon inside. You guys broke up, so stay away from his house!
Social media stalking:
DO: Okay, whatever everyone does it. You want see what they’re up to, see if they’ve gotten fat or have a hot new fling; I get it. Just keep it reasonable people- don’t live on their social media feed; get a life, move on. Or an even better idea if you’re a mature, responsible adult (lol I know) just un-follow them so you don’t have the temptation of late night drunk/sober stalking that might lead to accidental likes on a photo of you two from 92 weeks ago…..creeeeepy.
DON’T: I don’t think there’s much to say here…if you don’t get caught being a super creep on their life good for you. However, if your stalking gets obsessive and becomes bad for your mental stability, please find a local therapist and get yourself some guidance.
Real life stalking:
NO
Going through breakups is hard; it’s weird losing a person who at one point made your life very full, but before I get too out of character and actually seem like a decent human with a heart, I’m going to leave you with some final words of wisdom. There’s millions of fish, bigger fish, bigger fish with prettier faces and better bodies out there in the big bad sea…so go fishing!!!!!
