Everyone talks about how when you get your heart broken, you have to take some time to put your heart back together. What they fail to tell you is just how bloody goddamn hard that is. Heartbreak, in any form, is difficult to describe. I've had my share of heartbreak this year. But, the thing that I have realized is that healing from heartbreak is more painful than the heartbreak itself.

I'm not mad at you. I'm not even mad at the situation. I'm just so sad that I was the last to know about it. I just wish I had a little bit of closure. I left because I needed to pursue an opportunity that, to this day, I treasure with all my heart. I wish you would have given me just one more chance at closure.

I haven't dealt with you leaving in a positive way, or at least, positive to me. I was putting the fault on me. I was hanging out with the wrong people. I was drinking like it was the Civil War and someone was coming to saw my leg off. I went from watching what I ate to eating everything and anything that crossed my path. I was miserable. I guess I still am, in some regard? Just not as miserable as I have been. I'm over my "crying myself to sleep" phase. There are still sleepless nights, but that's a different story. Every time someone even mentions you, I get angry. I cringe. I wince. I get misty-eyed. Every time a song plays that reminds me of you, I smile, then I sing part of it as I walk, then I get sad and remain sad most of the day. Everything reminds me of you. I still remember the day you broke my heart like it was yesterday. I remember, for the first time ever, crying at work, during a show.

One of my mentors was on that stage, singing, sounding like a million bucks. I was crossing backstage to my next position. The line "I used to laugh/But now I understand/Shake the hand/Of a brand new fool" was sung as I was walking and I stopped in the middle of the walkway and just sobbed, silently. From that night on, until the middle of May, I was in a fog. Everything was distracting. The focus I had and the passion I learned how to have all seemed to be gone, all at once. This was the worst heartbreak I've had in my life. I bolded that because I mean it.

In the months past, I've slowly discovered ways to rebuild my heart. I've figured out small ways to make myself happy. I'm reading more books. I'm seeing more art. I'm discovering things that used to make me happy as a child and reminiscing on that. I'm not entirely better and I don't think I will be for quite some time. But, I'm hoping we can at least be on amicable terms. I'm hoping that I can come see you and not want to yell irrationally or say something to set you off. I get that you've changed a lot and changed rather quickly (because you needed to), and I'm okay with your changes, to an extent. I don't think I'll ever be okay with the way you broke my heart, but I'll survive.

Nowadays, when people ask how I am, I reply with "I'm surviving". I guess it's kind of a nonchalant answer. But it's the most accurate answer, for the time being, until I am truly and 100% over you. As for my heart, I quote Stephen Sondheim: bit by bit, putting it together. That's what I'm doing. Eventually, it'll all be fixed. But, until then, I'll keep surviving and keep rebuilding. I hope you can do the same.