Disclaimer: I am not here to tell you the facts about Bipolar disorder, or any other mental illness for that matter; quite frankly, I am not equipped with the knowledge to do so. What I am here to do is to tell you about something that has greatly impacted my life, both positively and negatively. It is something that I battle daily, a battle that I sometimes win, and sometimes lose. My goal is for you, the reader, to grow your own understanding through an example of one person's perspective, rather than a bunch of scientific jumble. Here is my story...
I was 17-years-old when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. When I heard the doctor tell me this, all I could think to myself was, "Great. I really am crazy." Why did I think this? Because in today's society, when one hears the word 'Bipolar,' similarly to when one hears anything regarding any type of mental illness, it is not uncommon that they will automatically associate such terms with very general, yet very wrong, misconceptions: Mood swings. Psycho. Crazy. At 17-years-old, my knowledge on Bipolar disorder was quite limited, and these words are what I associated the disorder with too. I thought I was crazy. I thought I would never be able to live a normal life again. Fortunately, it wasn't very long until I started to understand that I had been very wrong.
What does having Bipolar disorder really mean? Well, I'm no scientist, so all I can tell you is what it means to me. Through personal research, as well as sessions with my therapist and doctors, I learned and retained all the information that my brain would allow. There are several different types of Bipolar disorder, and with that, even more symptoms that come with each type. Based on the severity of the type, everyone experiences it differently. However, for each type of Bipolar disorder, the two general conditions that all who have it will remain the same: mania and depression.
Living with Bipolar disorder, a manic-depressive mood disorder means that some days I feel like I am on top of the world; I feel like nothing can stop me and no one can get in my way. I wake up feeling electrified beyond belief; it is like I am the Energizer Bunny. I feel like I could run a marathon, twice (and for those of you who know me, you know that running is definitely not my thing). I can make ten to-do lists and complete them all with ease. I can do homework and school projects that aren't due for two weeks, finishing everything in only a few hours. I feel like I don't need any sleep, and I don't feel even an ounce of hunger. I just keep going and going and going. Those days are the "good" days; the manic days.
On the "bad" days comes the depression. I wake up and feel a pit in my stomach, telling myself that "today is going to be the worst day in the entire world." I have to force myself out of bed, and even after that, I can barely do much of anything. Just the thought of showering makes me feel physically drained, and then I have to think about going to class or work and dealing with whatever the world wants to throw my way that day. Sometimes, I don't even make it out of bed at all. It feels like too much to be a part of the world, so I stay in my bed, where I feel like I have control of what happens to me. I don't want to eat, I want to go back to sleep and wait for my energy to come back. Those days are the worst.
So there are the "good" days and the "bad" days, but then I have the "great" days. On the great days, I feel balanced. I eat normally, I sleep normally, I feel fine. I don't feel like the Energizer Bunny, but I don't feel like a slug who can barely move, either. I feel at ease and calm. Those days are my favorite days. Unfortunately, I cannot predict which days are going to be good, bad, or great. I have to play the cards I'm dealt each day, and hope that I can successfully make it through. Each day, I take the steps needed in order to make it to the next.
When I tell someone that I have Bipolar, you would think I just told them that I am the reincarnation of the Hulk. No, I reassure them, I am not going to blow up at any moment and destroy everything in my path. I am still a person, just like everyone else, and this is just a challenge I have been given, one that I battle every single day. These types of reactions from my friends and family are not uncommon, but they don't knock me down. Right after being diagnosed, I immediately decided that my condition would not be something I hid from anyone. Bipolar disorder is now a part of me, and as someone who has always been an open book, I refuse to be ashamed of something that takes part in making me, me. I have always been proud of who I am, and having a mood disorder will not change that.
It has been four years since I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, and I still find it very difficult to fully understand myself, let alone explain it to others. With that being said, I do know this for sure: Bipolar disorder is something I have, it is not who I am. It does not define me, it is only a small part of me. It is something that has made me more in touch with myself than ever before; I have become more aware of my strengths, my weaknesses, and my limits.
With all of this being said, it is important to remember that anyone with a mental illness is still more than their illness; they are human beings who work to overcome their challenges each and every day, just like everyone else. Those with mental illnesses should not feel ashamed of who they are, and they should not feel silenced or looked down upon by the rest of society due to general misconceptions. It is my hope that through personal stories such as mine, it will become easier for those without mental illnesses to grow a better understanding of the subject.
