It's summertime, friends. A lot of you are looking for some summer love, and a lot of you are probably breaking up with your boyfriend and girlfriend and are looking to rebound with someone new, so I am here to help. It seems this online dating thing is sticking around for more and more decades to come. However, a lot of you *cough cough women cough* have literally the worst bios in the history of online dating, and this is my week to roast. If you hate me now from my previous articles, oh boy you haven't seen anything yet.
1. "I am looking for the Jim to my Pam."
Wow, how original. It seems like you are the only twenty-something year old that watches "The Office." If any of you are using this line in your bio right now, please be more original. The lack of creativity with this bio is apparent, and Jim and Pam aren't even the best couple in that entire show (YEAH I SAID IT, SUE ME DAMN IT). Do everyone a favor and change it to someone else.
2. "I am not looking for hookups."
I laugh at this one because any girl who says she is not looking for hookups is usually the ones hooking up first (be pissed at me, I love the attention). You saying this just invites other people to try and hookup with you, and the fact you're saying this on an online dating website is the most ironic thing ever because let's be honest, who gets their first impression from someone's personality anymore?
3. "I can't live without *insert massive list here*"
Seriously, how picky are you? You literally get three to five seconds to make an impression and you put an essay of nothing in your bio, it's annoying. I know what you're thinking: Okay Chris, you're one to talk, it seems like no girl is going after you with that attitude of yours. No shit they aren't, because I get annoyed with all of you that it makes it hard for me to attracted in the first place. This point is probably gonna screw me in the near future in the off chance some girl has feelings for me, but I have to brutally honest with those one, you sound like a needy asshole.
4. "Swipe left if.."
Complete that sentence with whatever you want, but why are you already striking people out of the game that you're not even playing yet? How shallow are you? Stop with this swipe left bullshit, give a dude a chance, he might surprise you, or might be the biggest disappointment of your life, but regardless, give it a chance.
5. "The Cheerleader Effect" in pictures.
Group photos are nice. Having just group photos just makes us assume you're the ugliest girl in the picture. Have one, maybe two, personal pictures in your profile so we actually know who you are. Otherwise, we're assuming the worst, and it's a lot easier than playing the guessing game.
6. No bio at all.
Boring like Golden State being Cleveland in the NBA Finals. Give us something to work with here – something is better than nothing. Even putting one stupid quote in your bio gives us something to work with, but nothing at all is usually an automatic left swipe.
Energetic dance performance under the spotlight.
Taylor Swift in a purple coat, captivating the crowd on stage.
Taylor Swift shines on stage in a sparkling outfit and boots.
Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers sharing a joyful duet on stage.
