Big butts may just now be the next trend, but you've been rocking yours since you were in diapers.
But what comes along with big booties are some big problems . . .
1) You're expected to be a good dancer.
The DJ plays "I Like Big Butts" whenever you walk into the room. Everyone's eyes are on you while the music plays. Your best friend nudges you for encouragement.
The joke's on them though . . . what your momma gave you was a complete lack of dance skills!
2) You spend countless hours trying on jeans.
Your pants size varies from brand to brand. Some jeans leave gaps while others leave you leaning against the wall of the dressing room contemplating what exactly you did to the universe to deserve the nuisance that is your voluptuous bottom. The attendant knocks on the door asking if you need any help. No thank you, you say holding back tears and attempting to hide your gasping breaths. But once you find a pair that fits you just right, your bank account will never look the same after you buy three pairs just in case.
3) One size does not fit all.
It's best to stay away from any piece of clothing that states it is "one size fits all." Avoiding doing so will result in you feeling like sausage stuffed into a casing. Human beings aren't identical, so why buy clothing that works under the premise that they are?
4) You can't buy ANY clothing online.
How some people can get lucky enough to be able to shop for clothing online, you don't know. You for one can't trust that the photo shoppedmodel's picture is being honest about the dimensions of the skirt you're eyeing. And when an awesome sale happens on your favorite clothing store's website? Your size is out of stock. It's best just to stick to the traditional method unless you want to feel the blues when those .99 cent leggings turn out to feel more like spandex.
5) You get unwanted attention.
Unfortunately, since big booties are a trend they have also been extremely sexualized. You may get catcalled more often than you'd like to admit, but as long as they don't cross the line, ignore the attention and move on. Don't fret about your body just because someone else has something to say about it--that's their problem, not yours.
6) You bump into EVERYTHING.
You underestimate your dimensions more often than not, and you've broken many a vase by simply walking down the hallway. Having a round backside is all fun and games until your priceless family heirloom is in pieces on the floor.
7) Your pets think your backside is the best place to nap.
You can't lie down on your stomach for more than five minutes before your rear becomes your pet's next napping area. It's also completely normal for you wake up in the middle of the night with an animal on your booty. It's actually a win-win situation: you're kept very warm and you've secured your spot as your pet's favorite person.
8) Short dresses are a no-go.
It's best that you avoid short dresses lest you want to be confined to your chair for the night. Unless you don't mind pulling down the hem of your dress every five minutes to avoid starring in your very own peep show.
9) Chairs are your worst enemy.
If your legs are uncovered, no matter the season, then you are going to become one with your chair due to leg sweat. There's no way to avoid the awkward silence that follows the statement, "I think I'm stuck to my chair," except for laughter that follows once you pry the chair off of you. And don't even try to share a seat with your friend. You're only kidding yourself when you think that you'll be able to comfortably share what little room your booty leaves.
10) You can't buy clothing in sets.
Whoever came up with the idea of sticking two similarly sized clothing items together and calling them a set is either a monster or just lazy. Chances are your voluptuous booty is not paired with an equally voluptuous chest, so there's no way that any clothing set will do your body justice.
But despite the struggles you encounter daily, you wouldn't change your body for anything.
