It's been a while now. Not long enough for me to forget how bad it hurt when you left, but long enough for me to forget what your laugh sounds like. And maybe that's the problem.
It's been so long since I've seen you and so long since there was anything between us, much less something good — but somehow I still miss you. Every once in a while I have a dream about you or meet someone that reminds me of you, and while it hurts less than it did before, it still hurts. I get annoyed with myself for hurting now because it certainly has been long enough for me to not only get over you but to recover from the wounds you opened.
And I am over you. I have recovered, but I'm starting to think that maybe you were my one big love.
Because at the end of the day, our love was far bigger than us and was bound to crash and burn.
Our love was the passionate but toxic kind. We were never meant to be together and the minute we got involved it was guaranteed that at least one of us was going to get hurt. In fact, I vividly remember telling my roommate after our second date that "if this turns into something, it's going to end with someone's heart getting ripped out of their chest." Lucky me!
Although I certainly got the short end of the stick and took most of the pain of our breakup, I also think that in some ways we both got hurt. We had too many what-ifs and too many feelings left unsaid.
Just as you should've been far more open with me far sooner, I should've saved at least some of my heart from the wreckage that was to come. But I didn't. It didn't matter to me that you waited so long to tell me how you felt because I knew it all along. I could feel it. So I didn't vocalize it, but I gave you everything.
In a way, I am thankful.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't know what it felt like to reap the benefits of loving someone with your entire heart. However, I also never want to go through the pain that I felt when you left ever again.
So where does this leave us? You're in a serious relationship now, and from what it sounds like you are loving her the way you loved me, but with more loyalty and logic. I hope that's true. I hope you have not only dedicated your heart to her but have also dedicated yourself to being open and truthful with her. Because as you and I learned the hard way, love is nothing without honesty. I think you know that now, and so do I, but unfortunately it's far too late for us.
Thank you for gifting me with the experience of a love that is fiery, passionate, exciting and all-consuming. Despite the fact that a part of me still cracks every time I see a picture of you, I have no regrets. I hope you don't either.
