If you asked anyone whether I was an open book or a closed one, they would probably say I’m an open book because I share my news and complain about little things often. They might even laugh and ask why you even asked them in the first place because it seems so simple. Yet there’s more to a person than the complaints about the bad food or the stress, and I used to have a problem with people calling me an open book until I realized I wasn’t quite what they thought I was.
I’m not a completely open book. I’m also not a completely closed book. I believe I fall somewhere in between. What this means is that I am very comfortable and willing to share certain information about myself and unwilling to share other types of information about myself.
A while ago, I had a problem with people calling me an open book. It felt almost shaming -- I felt like I was annoying people with all of my tiny problems and I eventually grew sick of hearing my voice. But upon reflection, I noticed there were chunks of information I didn’t tell to others, and it was kind of comforting to know I hadn’t given all of myself away. On the other hand, when people started talking to me about deeper problems, I found it difficult to keep the conversation going because I didn’t want to say anything about my own problems as a way to relate to them. In a way, it felt like I was hiding things from others.
But keeping something to yourself is not the same as hiding something from someone. You are allowed to be as private or as open as you want as long as you are comfortable with your choices. But what I consider to be most important is that you do what feels comfortable without feeling guilt. I know -- easier said than done, but it’s still important despite its cheesiness. I spent a lot of time feeling like I was burdening others, and later, I spent even more time feeling like I wasn’t giving enough of myself away to sustain meaningful relationships.
I’m still finding a balance, but it’s easier now that I’m aware of my feelings and the negative implications they have on me. Now, I consciously decide what I share, and even though I sometimes end up regretting say so much, I remember that it’s a step further from where I was before, and it motivates me to try again another time to be as sharing/to myself as I want to be.
You don’t have to share as much as someone else does. You don’t have to hold in your emotions as much as someone else does (even if you feel like the problems that are bothering you are minuscule). The tiny problems you vent about, the giant problems you cry about, and the information you keep to yourself sum up to the person you are, and there are people who like you even if you don’t really like yourself all that much.
Consider it. There’s probably someone in your life who has difficulty finding things they like about themselves, but you are able to see the beauty in them -- their silence, their speech, their stories. There is someone who feels the same about you and appreciates you whether you share often, keep to yourself, or find yourself somewhere in the middle.
