There are few things harder to watch than your best friend dating a guy who you know is not worth her time. Seeing someone you know from the inside out, someone who celebrates holidays with your family, someone who will be in your wedding someday waste her precious heart on a boy who has the power to break it is nearly as calamitous to you as it is to your best friend.
Being a girl who isn’t exactly known for constantly having a boyfriend (more like known for never having one), I don’t get much validation when I share my opinions with my girlfriends about their less-than-excellent choices in partners. The general consensus is as follows:
“I love you, but you don’t get it.”
“I know he seems that way, but I see a different side of him than you do.”
“I think you may be jealous of the time I am spending with him.”
Finally, my personal favorite:
“You don’t know him like I do.”
While there is both validity and bias in all the above statements, they are often signs of tension and (based on my experience) a foreshadowing of future bitterness that may emerge. In order to avoid the inevitable, I have used my past and a healthy dose of empathy to think of a little advice for both sides of the friendship. It may help those who are on either side of the spectrum to understand where your best friend is coming from, whether you are in a relationship your best friend isn’t supportive of, or you don't support your best friend’s relationship.
To the girls who don’t like their best friend’s partner:
To those girls out there who feel me on a spiritual level, you are not alone. One of the hardest parts of being a best friend is knowing they are making a mistake and letting them do so.
I can’t tell you how many times the phrase, “I need to meet him to approve,” has left my mouth, yet can’t remember one time my approval has changed anything. The challenging part about this is not letting it affect your friendship. It’s hard to understand at the time, but your friend choosing to date a guy you don’t approve of doesn’t mean that they don’t hold value in your relationship; it just means that they are discovering if there is value in another one. Keep in mind that no one will ever be good enough for your best friend, but there may be a guy that comes along that is the closest thing to good enough that exists. Try to keep your mind open to that possibility.
At the end of the day, all you can be to your best friend is just that: her best friend. Hold her when she comes to you devastated because of his actions and laugh with her as she shares a silly story about him. It’s hard when she spends time with him instead of hanging out with you. It’s hard when she chooses to spend a holiday with him and not you. It’s hard feeling like your friendship matters less to her than it does to you. However, just know that to her, you are not less of a best friend, she just has two now. While you don’t always have to like to the guy she dates, you always have to love her. Continue loving her through her relationships even if she can’t see that it's one that will cause heartache.
To the girls whose best friend doesn’t like their partner:
There is no problem with you deciding that a guy is worth pursuing. There is no problem in giving someone a chance even though people, specifically your best friend, don’t seem to like him like you do. Well, a best friend shouldn’t like a guy you’re dating like you do -- there will be more drama than a lack of approval there -- but I digress.
The bottom line is that you are not the devil incarnate if you don’t follow a friend’s advice on who to date, or more specifically, who to not date. However, be cautious to invest in someone who your loved ones distrust with your heart. People who love you have no reason to want to cause you pain, while you may be blinded by newness or lust or a combination of hormones to disregard the possibility of eventual heartache. Don’t blame your friend for not approving of your relationship, because no one will ever be good enough for you in her eyes. When your best friend, your soul mate in friend form, does not like your partner, it may be time to step back and consider her opinions.
At one point or another, we all have been on one side of this relationship. The only thing that can be done is both sides doing their best to empathize with the other, and never forgetting one thing: you love each other. Continue to love each other through it all.
