I have been lonely for the longest time--or maybe I felt like it. That’s the immense battle for people, discovering the difference between being and feeling. We think that if we are lonely, that’s permanent; there’s no gateway or escape. We were lonely, we are lonely, we will be lonely because that is a piece of our identity, that is who we are now. We relate emotions with qualities of our personality and perhaps that is our biggest mistake as people.

Let’s look at certain situations that are hypothetical discussions between two individuals:

Person 1: I’ve been feeling so sad lately, it seems like nothing is working out. My grades have been really low, the person I like seems to pay no attention to me, I’ve been gaining weight, and I just feel so fed up with my life. On top of that, my family doesn't see the troublesome times that I've been confronting.

Person 2: I know what you mean, I feel that way too. Everything is so hard.

Sound familiar? The conversation these two individuals are having is something we as a whole experienced. It seems as if life sometimes hits you with a wave of unfortunate events, and you feel defeated.

I, myself, have had my fair share of this situation; I know it all too well. When this conversation started to become an everyday routine, I decided that none of the things I blamed were the problem, the root was: I was the problem. And realizing that you are the problem is one of the greatest things to be aware of because we, humans, are self-absorbed experience difficulty confronting reality. Getting good grades, having strong relationships with people, being a social and likable person, having a good figure--these are impressive things. But in some situations, those things don’t matter. We all go through rough patches, and finding the problem can be hard. This is just an anecdote of my journey in realizing that I was the problem, and I hope that when you’re down, what I went through helps and leads you.

Let’s face it: we hate being alone. The idea of loneliness is one of the scariest things for people. When we’re not hanging out with friends or family, we find ourselves in a deep hole and feel scared, so we race to our phones and go on every social media and refresh the pages on repeat to make sure we aren’t by ourselves. Being alone is special since that is the point at which we understand that we have nobody but ourselves, and it is the only time we can find who we are about, and not knowing who we are alarms us. In the adult life, the idea of ‘dying alone’ is the biggest fear, and as our lives go on, we come to the conclusion that that is not how we want to die. Some may argue and say that ‘For God’s sake, when you die, you just die. And that’s it. It’s not like you hold hands when you die, and you meet at some random place.’ Perhaps, that is true. But that is not the real meaning of the phrase. Loneliness can be defined differently for people, and I had the exact same definition as many of those individuals--loneliness could only be cured when you were with friends, when you’re on Facebook or Snapchat. That again was the biggest mistake I personally made. I came to the realization that I could still feel lonely in a crowded room, filled with people I love.

Loneliness, and sadness: these are things that depend only on us and our thoughts. When you think/feel you’re lonely, you think you are lonely. But that is literally just what your brain is thinking. Like the muscles we use to walk, workout or eat, we train our brains to think what we want to think. Being sad, and negative can simple since we would prefer not to battle and resist our brain. One day when I was feeling sad, I realized I kept thinking of other things that went negatively in my life, and just boosted up that whole bubble of sadness. I also realized this happened every time I felt sad and that really shocked me. My brain was trained to do that because it was a habit. It kept giving the same result for the stimuli, it was trained like the salvation of the dogs in Pavlov’s studies. So I decided that whenever I was sad or lonely, I would try to think or do something else; however, that didn’t mean that I was never sad. I just didn’t let it consume me for hours or days, I let it fade away. Every time I was upset, or felt lonely, instead of checking my phone or eating food to comfort me, I told myself “This is what is happening now, and this is okay. Just remember that it’s not a part of you, rather an experience you’re facing that everyone else faces.” That really changes the way you perceive things, recognizing that what you’re facing is normal and that this is just what’s happening in the moment.

So I trained my brain to say this to me every time I felt it, and I declared a war to that habit. I refused to let it consume me; I read a book, I worked out, I put all my thoughts into studying, I walked, I watched an episode or two of my favorite show on Netflix.

Having someone to talk to about it is a great thing, but I realized that taking care of yourself and being your own friend is one of the most vital things in life because, at the end of the day, it’s only you that is there for you. It really gives you a lot of confidence and respect for yourself, and not only makes it easier to let go of those people who are toxic to you--but also forgive them. It also makes you a better person, since you relate to individuals increasingly and comprehend what they're experiencing since you went through the same thing.

It’s ironic, but you learn a lot about being a friend when you’re alone.