I like to think of myself as a good person, as I’m sure many people like to do as well. I think most of us like the think of ourselves in the best light. It’s so easy for us to manipulate situations in our minds to make us seem like we are in the right. We are always the first to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, even if deep down we know we don’t deserve it. At least, I do.

But I’ll be the first to admit that I have seriously hurt some people in my life with some of the decisions that I have made. Whether I did so intentionally or not, I tried my best to ignore the negative consequences of my actions. I told myself that I needed to be selfish or that I didn’t know the extent of the pain that I was causing, whether that was true or not. It helped me cope with the idea that I might not be as good of a person that I thought that I was.

I always write about the people who have hurt me and who have effected my life negatively. I blame them for the damage that they have caused and for breaking me when all I did was put my trust and heart into their hands. But I never write about those that I have broken. I think I avoid doing so because I hate thinking that I have hurt others, the way that I have been. It’s hard for me to consider that I might be the hero in my own story, but that I might also be the villain in somebody else’s.

I don’t know how we get here. How life gets so twisted and crazy that we end up becoming the exact people that we said we never would be. I’ve always been a strong believer that the negative things in life are what makes it so beautiful because it’s a needed contrast to the wonderful aspects that we would fail to notice otherwise. But what hurts me is that I could be that negative aspect in someone else’s life. That I could be the reason for someone else’s pain or sorrow. Just the thought of that kills me inside.

So I choose not to think about it. Or I guess that I choose to not focus on the things that I no longer have control over. I have made mistakes in my life and I have left scars on people that I care deeply about and I feel truly sorry for that. But I have also said my apologies, and I no longer find myself making reckless decisions regarding others. I want to be able to be honest with myself and the person that I really am. I don’t want to be the villain in anyone’s story, at the very least, I want to be a supporting cast member (emphasis on the supporting).

I want people to look at me and think “my life was better because I knew her.” I want to be the cause of joy and happiness in the lives of those around me. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be honest and happy with who I see staring back at me. I want to care for others, the way that others have cared and shown love for me. I want to leave my mark on others, but I refuse to leave any more scars. I refuse to focus anymore on the negative and instead want to focus on being the best version of myself. The version of myself that I am so proud of and that I know that I can be.