Ever since I was little I knew I was different from the other girls. I don't know if that's a good, or bad thing. They say being different is a blessing, but some days I truly wish I was like the other girls. They have life so easy. They never having to be conscious of whether they're saying the right thing or not, or if their outfit makes sense. They seem like the have everything figured out. And me, I'm just the outsider.
It's not like like I'm a complete outcast or anything. To many, I may seem fairly normal. I am normal to a certain extent. I think I mastered that over time. I paid close attention to their every move, then socialized myself to come off as normal. Anxious and conscious of every move I made. On the surface, I may seem like your typical girl and you'd believe that until you got close to me. I feel like I'm from a whole different world sometimes, and because of that, it makes it hard for me to truly connect to most.
So I keep to myself. I don't make any close friendships because I know the outcome. When I do, they don't last very long because there is something off, and what's off is me. It gets tiring being your own best friend. I know I always have God by my side, but I'm on earth and he's in heaven. This life can get really lonely, and I'm not strong enough to do life on earth by myself. So I pray, I pray for God to bring me somebody in the same world as me, or I pray for God to change me and make me normal.
I can't even pinpoint why I'm so strange. Maybe it's because of my mind. Maybe my mind wanders too much, and nobody can understand the depth of what really goes on in it. I feel like everyone can tell I'm strange, so they don't want to be bothered. Sometimes I like to think that maybe, just maybe, some of the most brilliant people we know weren't normal. Maybe I'm meant for more. Those thoughts are the only thing that makes the loneliness somewhat worth it. I'd trade it all for just one person that I could truly relate too.
It's not that people don't care about me either. I have some of the most caring people in my life, and I'm extremely grateful. We just don't relate. I try and tell them about the things that go on in my head, they just smile and nod with their one-worded answers. I know they don't get me either. So I choose to be alone. Being my own best friend is just what I've always known.
I don't hate being different. I see this world in a different lens than everybody else. I see world with no limit. My mind goes outside the box. I wish I met someone who saw things through my eyes. I want someone to apprecite me differences. I want to experience the connection everyone has found with each other. I want to live life without the worries of me being the strange one.
Who knows, maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my mind is near insanity. Maybe writing this whole thing, I was in a weird mood. Maybe I'm half asleep right now. I can say anything to deny or avoid the reality of it all. Sure I can be the weird girl sometimes, but all of us have that in us. That's not the kind of different I'm talking about. You'd never understand so why even bother explaining. Honestly, I don't know much besides the fact that I'll go to sleep tonight, go to sleep with all these wandering thoughts. But then I wake up tomorrow with a clear mind. A clear mind that's ready to play the part of the normal girl.
