Being the fat girl is one of the worst things ever when you are in high school. I remember looking around the school for someone my size, and it felt like I was the biggest. I hated it. I hated sticking out like a sore thumb. I hated my size. I had reasons no one really realized at the time. I had lost my ability to walk and my brother within a few months of each other. It was hard, and I gained a lot of weight because of it.
I played basketball, but that was gone when I had to get ACL, MCL and meniscus surgery. While other 7th graders were playing outside and running around that summer, I was stuck inside reading and eating not so healthy food. I gained 30 to 40 lbs during that time. My metabolism was screwed up. When you are so young, you don’t realize that though. I was just the girl who ate too much compared to everyone else.
I cried a lot when I realized this, but in the end, I had to wipe my eyes and move on. I remember once I was in the bathroom during guard season crying on the floor of the bathroom because someone who was about 80 lbs heavier than me told me I was just like her. I didn’t want to be just like her. I didn’t want to be the fat girl. I had a horrible self image.
(Pictured on the top right row without glasses)
It got to the point where I could barely look into the mirror anymore. Whenever I would look into the mirror, I would want to stop eating completely--and sometimes I did. I was scared of myself. This is something that has affected me even to this day.
This issue will never fully go away. I can no longer weigh myself because I am so scared of the number that will show up. I have severe anxiety from it. Every time I go to the doctor, I have to look up so I don’t see the number. I have lost weight, but it doesn’t matter. I will always see myself as the fat girl.
I have gotten better at a lot of things, though. I can now look into the mirror again sometimes and see what I look like. Sometimes, I can even look at myself naked. I used to never be able to do that. I even once went outside in a crop top to go see Rocky Horror Picture Show. I felt so powerful.
As far as my lifestyle, I now play Quidditch and eat a fairly healthy diet. Yeah, sometimes I will eat fries, but who doesn’t in college? My next step is to weigh myself again. My goal is to weigh myself by my graduation day. It will be a slow process, but I want to beat this self confidence issue.
I want to kick its ass and be able to think I am beautiful again.
