Being plus size in a society like ours is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. This has been an ongoing issue for me. Ever since I was younger, I was always a little bit heavier than all of the other kids. But I was a kid, I didn’t care. All I was concerned with was when I was going to be able to watch Barney and play with my Barbies. As time went on and I got a little older, shopping with my mom slowly started to show me that I was overweight. I was naive and thought that being able to fit into the teens clothes in just elementary school was cool and a good thing, it took me a while to realize it was because I was bigger and I needed bigger clothes. I can remember feeling sad, but not knowing why I felt sad, until I entered middle school.

Middle school was the toughest three years of my life. I seemed to be the target for everyone to bully every day. Whether it be about my hair, my clothes, my intelligence, my appearance, but it mostly had to do with my weight. I was constantly being teased about my weight. Everyday I would hear the words, “you’re so fat”, “ew you pig go eat some more”, and so many more hurtful things. I couldn’t understand why everyone had hated me so much. I couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that they hated me because I was overweight. It didn’t make sense to me, why my weight mattered to someone else. It’s my body, why are they concerned if I’m heavy? I was still a naive young girl, I was convinced that I had done something else to make them want to pick on me and they just decided to use my weight against me.

I fell into a deep depression in middle school and began to self harm myself. I was very good at hiding it from faculty, friends, and my parents. I just wanted my classmates to like me and not destroy me constantly. I was drained emotionally and would beg my mom to allow me to stay home from school. My mornings would consist of her driving me to school while I was balling my eyes out begging to turn the car around. It got to the point that I began skipping classes that I had with some of my bullies. I would hide in the bathroom or wander the halls. I even went as far as skipping school. My mom would drop me off and I would wait until I saw her car leave and I would walk into the woods and hangout there on my phone until the end of the school day.

It hasn’t gotten any easier. Unfortunately I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. Gaining some, then losing some, then gaining double back. It’s a nightmare to try and lose weight. Their hurtful words have caused me to look in the mirror and just see a monster. I feel ugly and fat no matter what I do. I could slap on all the makeup I have and wear the most flattering outfit I have, I still see a monster. I see a girl who is unable to love herself because of what she’s been told for almost half of her life. Hearing, “you’re fat and ugly” almost every day for three years really takes a toll on you. I will never look at myself the same way again.

In our society today, being skinny and fitting into size 8 and under is all the rage. Being plus size is really hard. It’s hard finding clothes and it’s hard on you mentally when you go to try on an extra large and you think you might need a size bigger just to be sure. It’s so frustrating because we’ve been taught to hate ourselves if we aren’t a perfect little skinny girl. I’m in the process of losing weight and trying to gain my confidence back. I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile and be happy with what I see looking back at me. I know it’s going to be a long journey, but I believe it’s worth it.

I truly hope that eventually we can end this stigma against not only plus size women but men as well. We’re slowly starting to break down walls with plus size models like Tess Holiday. I don’t want my future kids to grow up feeling like they need to look and be perfect in order for someone to like them. I want them to be happy with who they are. I want them to lose weight because they want to for their own reasons or for their health, not because a boy at school called them fat. Let’s put an end to the stigma against plus size men and women. We’re all people, we all have feelings and we all hurt the same. Lets help build each other up rather than bring each other down.