My first film was the best movie I ever made. I was 16 when filming started and knew absolutely nothing about movies--besides, of course, the fact that I wanted to be a filmmaker someday. There is a video floating around on a hard drive somewhere of me during my first film shoot. In it, I am an awkward high school junior fumbling around with a DSLR and a monopod. My eyebrows are furrowed with anxiety and worry, and my feet move unsteadily beneath me. But you can see how hard I'm trying. Through this experience, I learned everything I needed to know about filmmaking and I fell head over heels in love with everything about making movies.
Fast-forward five years. A few days ago on a film set, someone asked me what I wanted to do with filmmaking, and I hesitated. When I was 16, I would have responded immediately saying that I wanted to be a cinematographer. But I'm 21 years old now and very aware of the fact that I am not just a 20-year-old person--but a 20-year-old woman. I almost said that I was going to end up being a teacher not a filmmaker (which, honestly, is still very likely), but instead I very shyly said, "I like cinematography, but..." and then just shrugged. In reality, I love cinematography. I've spent the last week working on film sets, and I can't even admit to myself how much my work has meant to me or how happy it made me feel. I won't let myself say definitively that I want to do cinematography, because I know how hard it's going to be for me if I choose to be a cinematographer.
There's an article that was recently published in the New York Times entitled "The Women of Hollywood Speak Out." I've heard it's good, but I couldn't read it without feeling heartbroken and afraid for myself and my passions. For three days this past week, I worked on a student film set as a Director of Photography. This means my job was to figure out the technical execution of my film--plan the lighting, framing, composition of every shot and operate the camera. But I could tell that, at first, nobody respected me. I had to work every second of the first day in order to prove myself so that the rest of the shoot ran smoothly.
Because I was born with a female body, the chances of me becoming a cinematographer are slim to none. And honestly, that pisses me off because I am more than capable. Physically, I am stronger than some male classmates I have who also study film. I can carry heavy equipment, yet guys on set won't even let me touch a tripod because they are afraid I will drop it. I work hard, I'm a quick learner, and I am determined to do a good job. There is no reason why I shouldn't be successful, yet I know I probably won't make it.
I look back on my first movie and I wish I could go back in time and have that experience over and over again. Someone handed me a camera and told me to go make a movie. I lived in a state of ignorant bliss where I wasn't worried about film schools or film industries. I was just focused on the act of creation. Now, whenever I make a project, I am full of self-doubt and fear. I am afraid to give myself fully to my passion because I am a woman in a sexist industry. And that's wrong.
In a few years, I have no idea where I'll end up or what I'll decide to do with my life, but I know what I want to do with my life. I want to go to film school. I want to have the life that I worked towards for so long. I want to work long hours on film sets. I want to make movies. And it isn't fair that I have to compromise what I want because I was born a woman.
