I’m sure we’ve all felt out of place at one point in our lives. We’ve all struggled to find the place or the group of people that we identify most with. Where we feel like home, and with whom we feel as if we can be our true selves. It’s important to feel like you belong somewhere, and to feel apart of something is one of the most amazing things in the entire world. However growing up, this was something that I struggled most with. People always talk about the struggles of being from one ethnicity or another, and the discrimination and stereotypes they face every day due to them. But no one ever really talks about what happens when you are stuck between two worlds, and when you don’t really belong in either of them.

My father’s side of the family is white, we come from Irish and British descent, and all my family members on that side are Caucasian. My mother’s side however, is a bit more complicated. My mother was adopted from Honduras, by a wonderful family from Montana. Due to this, my mother didn’t raise us with any Latin traditions or speaking Spanish in our home at all. In fact growing up, other than American, my family didn’t really have any cultural traditions at all. I knew I was part Hispanic, but I didn’t really understand what that meant until I went to school. In school, I was faced with “real Hispanics” for the first time. I can’t describe how out of place I felt, not knowing Spanish or any of the other references they made concerning food, family, or even day to day life. However, hanging out with the white kids I never really felt at home either. There was so much they didn’t understand and the constant references to my “brown skin” made me uncomfortable.

And that doesn’t even begin to cover the discomfort I faced on cultural days at school. Wearing anything Irish or English made me feel stupid, but wearing anything of the Hispanic nature made me feel like a fraud. I truly felt like I didn’t have a place in the world. And each time I got scolded by strangers for “not speaking my Native language,” or followed around the store for “being brown,” I felt more and more lost.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that I didn’t need to pick one or the other. Does that mean I still don’t struggle with surveys that ask my ethnicity, knowing that none of the answer choices really feel quite right? Of course not. But I have become more comfortable being an in between. Do I really belong in either place? No, but I do have a gateway into both cultures that many people will never get the opportunity to experience. There are things that I have experienced that give me a greater understanding of both sides. Instead of one door open, I have two. Two worlds that are completely available for me to experience and discover, one day at a time. I’ve made it a goal of mine to explore more into my Spanish roots, taking the time to learn Spanish words and try Latin foods. I ask my mother about the traditions she does remember and the ones she learned from my Mammina. And maybe one day I’ll finally feel like I belong somewhere and who knows, maybe one day I’ll finally feel like “a real Latina.”