To my beloved owner,

These days humans are always in a rush to do weird human things. I have noticed that you smell a little stressed out, and I just wanted to tell you to calm down. You are amazing human, and you do not have to worry about me peeing in the house or anything mean because I love you so. But, just in case you want a little extra help, here are some tips from me, your dog, on how to be a good human.

1. Stop watching the colorful box and go outside (Take me with you)

I do not understand your fascination with that box -- it does not even have food in it! Go outside and smell the trees, roll in the dirt, whatever makes you feel good. Just get moving.

2. Feed me treats!

It is the easiest way to get anyone to do anything

3. Play more fetch with your friends when they are sad.

Companionship is important, so whenever you have not seen a friend in a while, bring over a ball and offer to play with them, I am sure it will make your day.

4. Give me treats

Please?

5. A wagging tail is more attractive than a droopy one

In my personal experience, more dogs sniff my butt when my tail is wagging because I seem more approachable. So, smile and be friendly, and you will receive friendliness in return.

6. I was serious about the treats

7. Stop and smell the flowers (and the fire hydrant, and the grass, and that bush...)

You people always seem so busy, and sometimes you walk right by something amazing without stopping to enjoy it. For the love of bacon, please take a moment to smell the air, roll in the grass, and savor the world around you.

8. You would be the best human ever if you gave me a treat

9. Do not judge a dog by its fur (even if it is weird and bushy)

As I am sure you have probably figured out, dogs all look very different. Whether we have a curly tail, a long one, a stumpy one, or a fluffy one, all tails wag the same, and every dog should be loved the same.

10. Love yourself as much as I love you, because you are kinda awesome

You. Are. Amazing. As a dog, I see you as my best friend and I love you unconditionally. You should realize how wonderful you are and spread that love to the world.

11. TREAT! YESSS! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, YOU ROCK DON'T CHANGE