I am a planner. I am a control freak. Some days this particular character trait elevates me to my utmost level of pride. Some days I feel as if it is my greatest downfall. One thing I find over and over, though, is I apologize for this quick quite often. So, to the people in my life most affected by my sometimes lack of spontaneity, I hope this helps you understand this part of my brain better.

My grandmom has this funny story about me as a kid. One week my family and I were visiting my grandparent’s church, so my grandmom took me downstairs to the nursery. Apparently, once I got inside, I took a good look around for a minute and then proceeded to walk around to each kid in the room and hand them toys that they were then designated to play with. After each kid had a toy I sat down with a book, carefully looking up every minute or so to make sure everyone was still on task. Even as a baby my parents have stories about me crawling from room to room checking on everyone, making sure I knew where they were.

I like to know things in advance, and not just a day (or ever a week sometimes) in advance. In college, especially, I find this is hard. Maybe it’s that people my age are better at living life on a whim, maybe it’s that I’m just really horrible at it, but I find I say “no” far more often than “yes” when people ask me to attend things. My introverted-ness plays a part here as well. I have to allow my people-energy very carefully. This is where planning helps. If I go to work knowing that I will leave and immediately go have dinner with friends, I can mentally prepare myself for six to seven hours of being with people. But if I am at work and I get a text asking to come to dinner when I get off, my brain has to then find more energy somewhere for an extra two hours of human interaction. On top of that, I think, “Well I was planning on making chicken for dinner tonight and it’s thawing right now and I am all prepared to eat chicken and if I go out what if they don’t have chicken, I really want chicken.” I know, it seems silly. It does to me too. But that doesn’t change the fact that it happens.

I like making lists. I like, at night, before I go to bed, writing out a “to-do” list for the next day. I like putting things in my calendar. Not only do I like planning, I like routine. When my husband and I went on a trip to Ireland for just a week I missed my routine by the end. I missed eating breakfast in front of the tv. I missed walking my route from my house to class. I missed cleaning the living room. It felt like these little bits of me were lingering at home, in my routine, and I couldn’t get to them.

In this day and age, I think to be a planner and a “control freak” is looked down upon. We need to be more spontaneous. We need to be able to change our plans at a moment’s notice. A “fun” person doesn’t have a plan. Maybe that’s true. Maybe the people we consider “fun” are able to make decisions in a split-second and roll with them. I tried to be that person for a long time. I thought that if I truly wanted to be this free-adventure-loving-chick I had to stop planning my adventure, but I found that I enjoyed my adventures more when I had time to plan them. There are joys in spontaneity, this is true, but it is not me. I find freedom in a plan.

I’ll admit there are times I need to relax more, to go with the flow more, to stop planning. That being said, the world needs people like me, planners, “control freaks,” to get things done. If I find peace in making a list, let me make my list. It doesn’t hurt you. If I find a little joy in knowing what my week looks like, just ask me in advance to do things. I don’t say “no” because I don’t like you. I say “no” because my week is planned already. Maybe, if you give me

enough notice, I can plan to be spontaneous with you.