The title sounds like a contradiction, but I have to explain why my relationship has lasted for almost six years.
The number one key to a lasting relationship, I believe, is independence. In other words, a successful relationship occurs when person A (let's call her Lauren) has her own Identity and does her own thing. Person A follows her dreams, does what she loves and becomes the person that she wants. Person B (let's call him Casey) follows his dreams, does what he loves and becomes the person that he wants. The relationship is an entity on its own. The relationship is (A+B). You have to have your entire self in the equation. Where I think most couples mess up, is they try to make their relationship a part of their identity. While Casey has been in my life for more than a quarter of it, he is not a part of my identity. Our relationship is beautiful because we both have become people who pursue our own passions and happen to be in a relationship. I would never tell him not to produce music and he would never tell me to stop photography and fashion.
The high school version of me needed attention and approval from boys to feel loved. It is an unfortunate truth that teenage girls want boys to like them, and I was no exception. Meeting and dating Casey changed me. I no longer needed to adjust my daily routine to meet other boys' approval. Sure, maybe I dressed up sometimes for dates, but it was what I wanted to wear. Gone were the days of thinking, "I wonder what dress will get me the most glances from guys in the hall."
When college rolled around, I witnessed countless friends go through heartbreaking breakups, painful Tinder dates, and terrible random hookups with guys at parties. When I went to a party or out for the night, I wasn't concerned with who I would go home with that night. I already had someone. See a trend here? Being with Casey took the stress of finding a man, impressing a man, and dealing with the drama of a man away from me. I can't speak for all relationships because there are some that are more work than being single. However, in the case of mine and Casey's relationship, the biggest drama I have to deal with on the weekend is whether we are going to see "Minions," or "Paranormal Activity." (For the record, I was the one rooting for "Paranormal Activity.")
If you play your cards right, find the right guy, and get to that sweet spot in a relationship where you don't have to argue over petty things and worry about every detail, you can focus on yourself. Having a relationship has freed me from wondering about the dating scene, waiting around for a text back, or making decisions based on what I think someone else might want me to do.
This isn't the case for everyone by any means. I know quite a few women who haven't dated in a long time and are some of the most independent women I know (shout out to you, Liz) and others who are in committed relationships who are as co-dependent as ever. Everyone is different and what you want or need out of a relationship also varies. It just so happened that it took tying myself to a man for me to become truly independent and self-confident.
