It’s been said that, “sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.” In my experience, boys tend to throw the sticks and stones, but quickly settle the matter and forgive each other. Girls tend to hurl the words, which actually do hurt, and hurt badly. When I was in middle school, I was on the receiving end of some deeply hurtful words and the memories flood back remembering the pain they caused. In sharing my story, my intention is not to seek sympathy or pity, but to highlight how much I relied on God’s strength and love to lift me up. Through my personal experience with bullying, I’ve realized the permanence and lasting impact words have on people and how God uses negative experiences for greater good. It’s through God’s powerful and commanding expression of love and forgiveness that I have learned to love and forgive others, especially in the hardest times.
A friend of mine stopped me in the band room one day after middle school to tell me she recently stumbled across something on the internet I needed to see. In my hurry to catch the bus, I initially brushed off what she had to say. As I turned to leave, she grabbed my arm, looked me in the eye and told me she was glad for our friendship. Even though my friend was smiling and being kind, I sensed that what she saw online was serious.
When I got home, I didn’t think much about the link until after dinner. I asked my mom if I could borrow the computer. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I typed the link. Scrolling across the top of the webpage was a banner that read, “Welcome to the ‘I hate Madison Simmons’ website.” I sat in shock as I scrolled through conversations that had been started about me. In those conversations, girls tried to convince the group to hate me, persuading a specific group member to “open her eyes” and see that I was annoying and pathetic. They never explained the details or events that made them despise me so much. Looking back, it was a petty and insignificant bash. They had no reason as to why I caused so much hatred. However, as a 13-year-old girl, realizing girls who you thought were friends had typed cruel things about you was heartbreaking and devastating. Hating me was the common bond they all shared, making them closer and strengthening their friendship by ripping me apart.
I recognized the usernames and the girls who were talking about me — girls I had classes with and saw at school everyday. Reading the words that were written about me instantly brought me to tears. I sobbed uncontrollably as I thought about what I had done to make these girls hate me and say such hurtful things. To this day, when I think about that moment, it still brings me pain. My mom noticed how upset I was and began reading what was on the screen. I wish she never would have seen that website, because as much pain as it caused me, it broke her even more. There was nothing she could do to fix the hatred these girls had for me. I didn’t want my mom’s sympathy, I just wanted acceptance and for these girls to like me. More than anything, though, I wanted to know what compelled them to destroy my sixth grade confidence and me in a matter of seconds.
I remember thinking; I could print these conversations, turn them into the principle the next day and get these girls into quite a bit of trouble. I held the printed conversations in my hands with so much anger, but ended up tearing the paper to shreds. Sinking to their level of hatred was not how I was going to react to this situation. It would have been easier to seek revenge, but in my heart, I knew that was only a temporary fix to the pain I was feeling. Choosing to express the love, grace and forgiveness that Christ has shown me countless times was the harder road to travel, but it was the right one. I am not perfect and constantly make mistakes, but Christ relentlessly forgives me and loves me deeply and mercifully. That was the type of love I needed to share with these girls, but it took time for me to cope with the pain and hurt. I remember seriously questioning how things would get better and how I could find it in my heart to forgive. How was I going to pick myself back up, regain my confidence and thrive socially and academically in the same school with these girls? I couldn’t go through this alone.
My mom was my constant support reminding me to lean on the Lord and have faith that He had a reason for this pain and would make everything better. I ignored her and decided to depend on myself to fix the problem. Eventually, I realized I alone didn’t have enough strength and that God’s love and forgiveness was the only solution to progressing and growing through this situation.
My heart was cold towards these girls, even though they were unaware that I knew about the website. Every night, my mom prayed with me and asked that God open and soften my heart. She also prayed that I would mature and learn from this trial. With time and continuous and powerful prayer, he softened my heart and I was able to forgive them. As a result, school days became easier and more enjoyable. What seemed impossible to me, Christ made possible. I am not alone in the hard times of life. Christ empowered me, loved me and mended my heart so that I could show those girls grace and forgiveness.
Christ had a bigger plan for me. He helped me realize that greater opportunities and relationships waited for me at a new high school. He opened the door to loyal and faithful friendships that continue to bless my life today. He knew what He was doing by putting me through that hardship at such a young age. Through overwhelming grace, love and forgiveness, my confidence was restored and my relationship with Christ strengthened. I know that God opens and closes doors in my life for a reason. As long as I stay on the path He planned for me, I am safe, I am blessed, and I am loved.
Today, we live in a society where our words, more than ever, are permanent. They can shatter a person’s world in an instant, but they can also revive, rebuild and strengthen one’s soul. My sixth grade world was broken because of the words used by a group of girls that intended to destroy me. Their words were permanent, ingrained in my mind to this day, but through God’s loving, merciful and powerful words, He rebuilt me and restored me.
