Ok. So, dating. When I first started dating my now sweet husband, I really needed a template and a vision, something to define what it was I wanted dating to look like, and how I wanted to approach it. I wanted God to be our center, the focus, the goal, and the destination, always. But it can be super confusing when you aren't really a unit, but you kind of are? But kind of not. Obviously, this is confusing, as you can see.
So I wrote a letter to my lovely, and let him know some of the ideas that had been bouncing around in my head that I thought would help put some definition to what I was imagining. Knowing that dating is to see if you could do the normal things with someone for the rest of your life, I wanted to bypass some of the awkward, and hopefully keep things intentional but normal. All of these thoughts morphed themselves into a small list of four ideas that I think are critical to keep in mind. So here it is, a conceptual template to balance the tension in the first stages of dating.
1. Don't Come In With An Agenda
This one is regarding the way you enter into a relationship. Come with authenticity, curiosity, and a thoughtful attitude toward your person. Don't come in with your 5 point to do list and check offs to ensure that you get to know every square inch of somebody. Give them room to breathe to be themselves, and fight the temptation to invest in ideas of what a relationship should look like or could look like. Invest in them, exactly where they are right now, for the value of your relationship with them right now. Funnel your energy to interact with the reality and joy of someone in the present.
2. Give of Yourself
Give all of the beauty you have received from the Lord in it's most raw and authentic form, let it touch the other- and all those around- by sharing what you have been given in heart, personality, and hope, without thought of maintaining face. Do not be afraid to be fully yourself, because this is the only way you will be fully known, and the only way you will know if you will be fully appreciated, compatible, and welcomed by the other. Don't live under the umbrella of fear, and all of it's pressure to fit the mold of the other's critiques. Serve them and love them with what you have and see if that giving delights them. If it's not appreciated with genuine connection, consider parting your way.
3. Include Those Closest To You
PC: PixabayPC: Every Pixel
Thankfully, you are part of a bigger whole. Live openly with other people, and with those around you. Be welcoming and invitational. Dates are good, time with one another is something to treasure dearly and is needed specifically, but my hope is that you will balance this carefully. Allow your friends and family to get to know this person, and then listen to what they have to say about them. Hear out your family, your friends, and the people closest to you. Do they see you glowing when you're with them? Do they themselves like your person? Do they see any red flags? The people that have supported you in your life truly do know you best. Ask them their thoughts and be willing to hear every little bit of what they might have to say. Remain autonomous, but take their words to heart.
4. Pray
It's so funny how unbelievably obvious this one is, and yet sometimes the most neglected. One of the most important things we can do is consult the very One who knows us best every single day. God is the beholder, maker, and maintainer of love in all of its self-sacrificing, beautiful, and wholesome way. There is no surer a foundation than the One He has laid for you to build your relationship on. Tell Him everything. Ask Him questions about the other. And search in the details of your relationship to see if your connection with the other makes you come alive and glorify God in fuller, rounder ways.
Bonus advice: Be kind. Find out if you can be friends. Care for one another intentionally.
And one of the most important, be courageous enough to let them go if you know your heart doesn't come alive when you're with them.
Happy dating, friends.
