I remember when I was in Kindergarten and I was up at around midnight, searching for something. As I found myself in the bathroom, I opened drawers looking for anything and my eyes stumbled upon a pair of scissors. I went back into my room and shaved my thirteen-inch hair to nothingness.
I remember my father coming into my room the next morning and beating me senseless until I told him why I cut my hair. I did this because my father never liked his daughters (he was/is sexist), so I thought that if I cut my hair to look like a boy then maybe he would love me. When I told him this, he started exiting the room and he told me, "You're such a dumb bitch." I was six.
There was a single time during a long car ride where my mother and father made me place my hands on the top of my head for hours until we got home. As I did this without fighting, I asked my mother when we got home if I had been good that day; I was begging for some kind of approval. She completely ignored me, brushed me off, and forced me to do things for her for the rest of the night. I was nine.
My father called me "thing" for as many years as I can remember. Instead of standing up and saying anything I just got up and took it. I took the name-calling to the point where I thought that if I were to stand up and say something, I would get thrown out. So I succumbed to his pressures.
When I told my father about the sexual abuse I'd experienced from my oldest brother, he told me that I should tell CPS so that I could be taken away because he didn't even want me. He looked at me and my younger sister in the eyes and told us, "I need the money from him more than I need you." My hurt was completely disregarded and I, as a young teen, was shown my true worthlessness.
My father worked third shift, meaning I only ever saw him on the weekends if I chose to stay home. I remember writing pages and pages of different letters to him, telling him that I'd do anything to make things feel more peaceful. I remember committing to doing insane things in these letters that no young girls should ever have to do. I gave more of my self than I ever should have, and I still was shaken off like I was nothing.
I've begged for love since the minute I remember any single thing. I have asked and asked for my mother and father to care about my existence, and when I realized that they didn't, I stopped caring about my existence too. I've done anything I can to ask someone to love me and the reality is that maybe I am simply unworthy of love.
I wake up every single morning without the feeling that me waking up mattered at all. I sit in classes, work jobs, sit with people and survey the area realizing that there is nothing at all I can do to be loved even though there are so many around me that are loved by at least someone.
I have begged for love in every way I could have imagined. I still never got it. But I'm done begging, so I guess I'm just never going to get it.
Some people aren't meant to be loved, I guess.